I feel horrible
My best friend and I have always been so close since we met about 6 years ago. Well about two years ago he decided to recruit into the marines which meant bootcamp and then moving to a base out in carolina. I was excited for him but his girlfriend wasn't all too happy. They ended up separating for most of the time he was at bootcamp, so when he came back he asked me for a favor. He asked if I would go for a jog with him and then he would make me breakfast. I of course said yes but as soon as we got back to his place he started to grab me by my waist and pull me closer to him and and kiss me I had never ever thought of him in that way but he said he hadn't been with someone in so long and that he needed me and that if i was his best friend i would do it for him. I ended up giving him my mouth because i was secretly a virgin and i didn't want to go farther. When he was done I couldn't look him in the eyes and all he did was throw his shirt back on and say thanks. I felt disgusted and I hated myself for it. I avoided him but later on i found out that he and his girlfriend had gotten back together a day before he and i did what we did. I felt horrible but i kept to myself. Now he and his girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years and he still constantly calls me for phone s** and to ask if we could hook up when he comes back. I always say no but he guilts me into agreeing. I don't know why I say yes, but my rationalization is that he is my best friend and id do anything for him. The truth is that I'm a in the closet lesbian and only he knows that. He says its better this way because that way we won't grow any feelings for one another. I don't know how to tell him no.. but if anyone ends up reading this entire thing please help and be gentle.. I know what I am doing is wrong but I can't seem to tell him no and i don't know why.
if you can help thanks i really truly appreciate it.