I feel horrible

My best friend and I have always been so close since we met about 6 years ago. Well about two years ago he decided to recruit into the marines which meant bootcamp and then moving to a base out in carolina. I was excited for him but his girlfriend wasn't all too happy. They ended up separating for most of the time he was at bootcamp, so when he came back he asked me for a favor. He asked if I would go for a jog with him and then he would make me breakfast. I of course said yes but as soon as we got back to his place he started to grab me by my waist and pull me closer to him and and kiss me I had never ever thought of him in that way but he said he hadn't been with someone in so long and that he needed me and that if i was his best friend i would do it for him. I ended up giving him my mouth because i was secretly a virgin and i didn't want to go farther. When he was done I couldn't look him in the eyes and all he did was throw his shirt back on and say thanks. I felt disgusted and I hated myself for it. I avoided him but later on i found out that he and his girlfriend had gotten back together a day before he and i did what we did. I felt horrible but i kept to myself. Now he and his girlfriend have been together for almost 3 years and he still constantly calls me for phone s** and to ask if we could hook up when he comes back. I always say no but he guilts me into agreeing. I don't know why I say yes, but my rationalization is that he is my best friend and id do anything for him. The truth is that I'm a in the closet lesbian and only he knows that. He says its better this way because that way we won't grow any feelings for one another. I don't know how to tell him no.. but if anyone ends up reading this entire thing please help and be gentle.. I know what I am doing is wrong but I can't seem to tell him no and i don't know why.
if you can help thanks i really truly appreciate it.

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  • Best friends can do a lot for one another such as listen, support, talk, help you move, loan money (not always a good idea..), etc..but s** and being taken advantage of should not be on the list. He is clearly crossing a lot of lines. You don't even have to justify or rationalize this. Tell him that you and he only will have a platonic relationship going forward and anything else will further jeapardize the friendship. You don't owe him anything on a sexual level at all. Since he knows that you are not out, that may be a challenge for him. And why you continue to do it..maybe because you're longing to be close to someone, he makes you feel wanted/neeeded to some degree. Who knows, it obviously doesn't make you feel good about yourself. So stop. Maybe it's time for you to come out and start dating girls.

  • Well I don't if its your desire for what he does to you or you being a friend but you have to say no at some point and if you can't stop it I STRONGLY recommend going to a doctor or somone in the medical feild to help you. Look if he forces and trys to hurt you call the police, as your friend you must help him but in the process getting yourself hurt by him. If he uses you for his desire he is not a friend. Please help yourself before you help him.

  • Oops sorry I did some typos, but help him but don't get hurt. It seems he's blackmailing you. You really have to say no and be friends if he won't take no and forces you he is not your friend and your his toy for s**. You really need to help yourself before him. And call for help from police or doctors. I really want to help but if you can't help yourself your just a slave my dear.

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