Cheating Heart

I am married and in love with another man........... Me and my husband has been together for almost 10 years but 7 years ago, before we got married we went through a rough patch and he was fooling around. talking to his ex and going out with other woman. I then opened myself up to other men and I fell head over heels in love with another man. My husband (boyfriend at that time) was going to move to another city and move out at the end of the month, we were breaking up, it was the end. He then somehow had a total shift and asked me to marry him. I was torn in two, I had my boyfriend on the one hand and this man that makes my heart pound on the other hand and I had to choose. It was extremely difficult because I did not know my lover that well and did not really know where I stood with him and what I did, I chose with my head. I did the RIGHT thing. I told myself that it is just a huge crush (the feeling was too overwhelming) and that it will blow over in time (it should right?). I thought that if I choose him everything will just CRASH AND BURN ( I still think that, it always does, this silly overly in love feeling never lasts). Ok, well I said yes to my boyfriend and we have been happily married ever since. The problem? I still love the other man, through the years, my feelings for him has just grown stronger , I tried to cut him out of my life, not to talk to him....for two years. Not a day went by where I did not think of him, I loved you yesterday, I love you still, I always have, I always will. I am standing in the way of my own happiness, I have tried power of the mind, I have tried everything, how do I tell my heart to stop loving him so that I can go on with my life and be happy? Please, please, please. I really need to do this. There has to be some scientific reason, some spell SOMETHING I can do to stop loving this man and thinking of him! I am driving myself crazy and I am NOT leaving my husband and ending up miserable and alone when I try to chase some BUBBLE that will surely BURST as soon as I touch it

Jun 27, 2012

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  • The thoughts and the feelings you're experiencing are very much like what everyone experiences in similar circumstances, and there's comfort in knowing that you aren't alone or uniquely worried. The relationship with the lover exists, in large part, in the realm of fantasy, unencumbered by the weight and effort of a day-by-day relationship or marriage. That is to say that your thoughts of and feelings about the other man in your life float in an air of unreality, and don't carry the obligation of a marriage. I'm not saying marriage is drudgery, because it's not. It's wonderful and beautiful, but it does require focus and work and determination, where an affair (especially one that is unconsummated or intermittent) requires none.

    If you really want to get this other man out of your thoughts, as you say you do, you need to acknowledge that you won't be able to do that -- because love is too good to allow itself to be easily expunged -- in one fell swoop and be forever done with him. You simply start small, taking small steps, where you go a few hours without thinking of him. Then, a day. A day and a half, progressively increasing and expanding. Don't be discouraged if you don't see consistent, permanent, straightline upward improvement; just work on NOT thinking of the lover, or even trick yourself into thinking of something else altogether whenever you find yourself thinking of him (such as your husband, or child/ren). It should become easier and easier to refrain from thinking of the lover, though it may take some time and some effort. BUT, you seem generally willing to do that in order to save a marriage you say is important to you.

    I wish you the best of luck with this noble undertaking, and applaud your willingness to work on your marriage when so few people seem willing to do that.

  • just get are wasting our time

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