Guilty and angry

I feel really angry at mum
and then i feel guilty about being angry
i feel like she is trying to make me unhappy
she loves it that im paying attention to her now
on the phone she just talks and talks about nothing. its not a conversation.
i dont want to tell her anything that is happening in my life.
epecially now, not after the over reaction she had about me and my boyfriends little tiff.
apparently she goes to my brother's house all the time.
why doesnt she just live her life?
she came up here, something triggered something inside her and she ends up telling me her life story and how she drunkenly tried to hang herself
i know i should care for her but i just feel angry that she would do that.
i feel like i hate her. shes always getting upset.
i told her she needs to talk to someone, i cant listen to her because its disturbing.
maybe that is selfish but if i physically start shaking and cant breath, how can i be a strong person for her?
i also cant control the anger that i feel from this so i dont think it is going to help her.
my friend says that its not up to me to support her and i think its true but i dont feel that way. sometimes i feel like i have often had to play the 'mother' role to her.
thats why i never talk about my life that much to her.
why does she always think everyone is a bad person? or doesnt care?
why cant she hold a regular job? then she wouldnt have to go to winz and stuff like that.
what did she do with the money that granny left her? did she invest it?
why does she even touch alcohol? she got a conviction. she tried to hang herself.
is she an alcoholic?
is she addicted to the drama?
i know from my experience that your mind just keeps searching and searching for something negative to nibble on, something that can remind you that life is s***, that there really is no point
but thats just a cycle of the mind, and you can get out of it
i guess the only thing i can do is be civil and hope she gets help.

Sep 4, 2012

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