Man you've really f***** up now. What the f*** are you going to do? What's going to become of you? How could things have gone this bad? Why can't I be normal? I'm f****** trapped in my apartment. I feel like a piece of s*** put on display in public. How could anyone ever like me? I don't even like myself most of the time. How can I like myself. My world is shrinking and it feels like there is nothing I can do. I feel small, insignificant, alone, unnoticeable. The only time I get any attention is for the wrong reasons. I've been a piece of s*** to my parents. They've tried to help me out and look at me scamming them, f****** s******* them over. I really am a piece of s***. I should have learned from the last time. I should have gone to my classes. I think it's too late to get an education. I think I'm probably going to be homeless again, come December. I don't think I can hold it all together and support all the lies any more. I'm lying to my best friend now. I'm afraid that he will think I'm a piece of s*** because of what I have done. I'm a total f****** hypocrite getting upset about people sponging off the government. I may not be doing it with the government, but I sure as h*** am doing the same thing with my parents. I am a lying f*****. what do I do about it. How do I make all of this right? Why do I feel like God isn't real anymore. What happened before when I thought God was real. What changed. Was everything fake. Was it all in my head. Why am I so paranoid all the time. How could bullying in highschool have left this much affect on me? I think it was a lot of the drugs too. I really f***** myself up with all those drugs especially the adderall and the cough medicine. I think I'll probably have to pay the piper big time when I get older.. I sometimes lately have been feeling out of control at the end of my rope. My mom is the only one who knows the issues I'm having but Im not sure if even she understand the extent it goes. She cant. She doesnt know the whole story. No one does because I keep them at arms length for my safety. everyone. no exceptions. even myself sometimes when i dont want to see the truth. Denial and cigarettes keep me sane most of the time. Block out reality escape become nothing. Log off. The internet is my world most of the time, these days. I feel like I have no one to talk to, because of the lies. Yes they are functional lies but its hard keeping everything straight. I can rationalize them to some extent, saying my social anxiety (maybe agoraphobia) is to blame, but I know that's not all that is going on. I am being cowardly. I am not stepping up to the plate, I am not confronting my issues and reality. I am wasting my potential. I am smart but it won't matter much when I'm working at wendys for the rest of my life. I feel better than people but im not. My parents are the ones with the money. I don't have s***. All I have is things i bought back when i was working, and I was motivated by grandma to stay there. I wanted to leave the first day after that horrible orientation. I just want everyone to go away, stay away from me, talk to me, be with me, f*** you, f*** me. F*** this stupid teenage angst. I should be past that s*** at 23, but the g******* sa limiting me. I want life. A real life.