Confronting my wife - need advice

I need advice on how to handle this with my wife - and if you help me I will post links to videos of her with face blurred though.

So, long story short - my wife is a complete prude and a religious fanatic. Over the years our s** life went from good and exploring as teens, to ok average when first married, to seldom and boring after kids, to very infrequent the last few years. And it's always boring s** now. Just pretty much missionary. She treats it like a chore and just does whatever to get me off as quick as possible. She has a lot of hangups like no s** unless we are both clean, like straight out of shower or in the tub. She also hates c** anywhere on her or in her and gets mad unless i c** in tissues or a towel.

She also has caught me masturbating a few times late at night (can you blame me) and got really mad about it. We occasionally, like twice a year have great s** where she is actually into it and will do more and o*****. She also has always said she never masturbated, except briefly when pregnant she said while hormones caused her to be crazy h****. But she did not have more s** with me then, she just waited until I left and then masturbated. She never wanted to talk about that though or ever share that kind of thing together. That was like 12 years ago.

But recently when she was a little drunk she admitted accidentally that she has been masturbating recently, I don't know what recently means though. She said it was with the vibrator which we use togther like twice a year on those occasions where she lightens up. She quickly shut up about it after realizing her mistake and won't talk about it.

So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I got a hidden video camera and decided to put it int her bedroom with some other electronic equipment in the TV cabinet like a router and stuff. Well when the kids are gone to school and I am at work like 2 or 3 times per week I saw her on the video get the vibe out of the side table by the bed. I thought she would m********* in the bedroom of course, but she took it into the bathroom which I thought was weord so I could not see her.

Then I moved the camera to the closet looking into the bathroom and I could see her enter the bathroom with it and go into the closet but below my viewpoint so I figured she was lying down. I then repositioned the camera lower and I now have some videos of her. She lies on her back in the closet legs spread and uses the vibe on her c*** externally and it only takes like 2 minutes for her to o*****. Then she washes off the vibe and replaces it. She does this 2 or 3 times a week but we only have s** once a week when I insist.

I could be p***** I suppose that she is holding out on me, but actually I'm just turned on by it and want to watch her and would love to share this part of our lives together. But I know she is probably way too prudish and has issues. I mean why go in the closet when you are home alone - obviously she is hiding this even from herself in a way like literally keeping it in the closet. And not to mention hypocritical getting mad at me for masturbating right.

But I want to confront her. But in a good way and have her open up to me about it. I need some advice FROM WOMEN. I realize you might not be able to identify with her prudishness but maybe you can think like her from a womans perspective I guess anyway.

By the way, besides the video I was also watching the vibes placement in the drawer and would note its subtle movement on days she used it. I could use that as saying that is how I found out about it. I am VERY observant I just wasn't looking for it before. I tracked it that way for a while before I got the hidden cam I just confirmed it with the videos.

I have thought of several possibilities......

1. I could put a note in the side drawer under the vibe, the next time she uses it she would see it. I woul say I know about it, and glad she is having fun with that and exploring her sexuality and I hope we can maybe include something like that together someday, hoping she would open up to me.

2. I could put a playful little survey in there, like a cosmo survey, asking her some fun and some detailed multiple choice type questions about her "hobby" hoping that was a non confrontational way to address it and she might include me a little by doing the survey and that would also open things up.

3. I thought about putting a new vibe in there gift wrapped and saying something like I thought she might need some variety and i hope she enjoys her new friend, hoping again it might open up conversation.

4. I also could just catch her at it and hope for the best. i know when she tends to do it and can actually set it up to stream the video using my sling box and watch on m mobile and wait until she starts and then sneak in the house and catch her. maybe strip and j*** off too. or just wait of her to come out nude to replace the vibe like she always does and see what happens.


  • newest
  • oldest
  • most replies
  • most popular
  • Not seeing a date here so this could be old.I have the same problem only slightly different (not religious).. Currently I keep a wordpad diary of everything I know of that has happened for the day (good if it goes to divorce as it could be used as proof that she is cheating on you even if it is only a machine). Bonus for you as you have video proof. String those videos together and pop them onto a dvd. Force her to watch it and call her out on it. Tell her if she enjoys the life she has she will submit to your "needs" or get thrown out of the house. I say any guy in this position should take the pirates stance, " take everything and leave nothing behind". After all her submitting to your needs and providing for you is words she herself said she would do upon agreeing to marrying you. That is if you used traditional vows to get married.

  • Take her vibrator with you and have fun a little ropeplay would help your s** life oh get the whip cream, have fun.

  • So replace the battery with bad batteries every day. Keep an eye on the groceries and when she buys batteries, just casually ask what those are for. Keep replacing the batteries with bad ones and let her squirm as she keeps trying to make up excuses for why she needs to many batteries. Or maybe even show up when you know that she is getting ready to do it and is frustrated because the vibrator won't work. Let her know that you are up for the task. She may be more up for it since she already planned on it anyway.

  • FROM OP: Thats kinda funny. Or maybe just leave some extra batteries out nearby with a note - figured you would need these soon at the rate you are using this thing - lol.

    In all seriousness though I think we are going to have the conversation soon, a lot on our plates right now just waiting for a good time to go into it without being angry or having her be under high stress either.

  • I suggest you have the talk to end all talks with her. Basically, since you have used video as proof that she does have sexual needs more than your once a week deal, tell her you've closely monitored the vibrator and you can tell she is using it at least 2-3 times a week. Tell her that's perfectly OK, but, why does she not want to have s** with you. You need to get to the bottom of this. Let her know that a healthy sexual relationship is just as important as all the other elements that make your relationship work and if it doesn't improve, things are going to go down hill fast. She needs to understand that what she is doing is harming the relationship, this is something she needs to come clean about and communicate with you because it's not fair nor is it healthy.

  • Okay, don't post the video no matter what.

    I haven't read it but Fifty Shades of Grey might be something worth reading to you. Because it's sounds like hot and kinky and something not normally tried. Maybe she's sick of your technique so try switching things up a bit. Tie her up, make her feel wanted. Turn her on. Watch some sexy p*** fantasies about manly police officers and whatever pulling a woman's hair and biting her neck and g****** just make her feel hot...

  • From the OP: no, you aren't really getting what kind of prude I am talking about here. She would never read fifty shades of gray, in fact I think she might have read chapter one on a friends suggestion and she threw it away saying it was filth. She would never watch p***, I've tried believe me. If I suggested tying her up she would call me a dirty pervert and not have s** at all. I've tried every kind of romancing and role playing suggestion or telling her how beautiful and wonderful and wining and dining and sweet talking. None of it matters. She only wants s** when I absolutely must have it and then she wants it straight forward, missionary basically and for me to get off as quickly as I can. Seriously its like a chore to her. She won't suck me unless I beg for it and we are literally in the bathtub. If I try any kind of foreplay or try some new position or trick it up in any way she asks why I am dragging this out and just to get it over with. And yet she is masturbating so she has some sexual desires, just not for me. She literally o****** from her masturbation in less than 2 minute also and puts it away, it's the same as s** basically she gets it over as quickly as possible but without me involved.

  • I am an expert in these matters and will know exactly what you need to do but I need to review the videos. Please post a link.

  • Dude, do not post the videos. That's karma waiting to happen.

  • do a little role-playing okay,doggie style, her use a vibrator, there you go, have fun okay,

  • It sounds like she might be getting her s** drive back and enjoying o***** again. There was a time after I had my kids where s** was not on the top of my list. Then I realized that it was the person I was having s** with. He was selfish and boring (not saying that you are) and I met a man that was all about pleasing me. He made sure that I had an o***** first and I forgot just how awesome they are and that should be the goal of s**, o******!
    I would try to talk about it with her. She is your wife and you should be able to talk about this kinda stuff. Maybe take the day off from work and come up from behind her and kiss her very softly and whisper in her ear that you want the BOTH of you to feel great. Explore her body with your hands very slowly and gentle. Tell her how beautiful she is and how she excites you just like the first day you met her. Help her to realize that s** can be done at any time of day without a shower first. Ask her about the vibrator and and if she wants to explore other things you two can try.
    But I must say that video taping her like that was not cool. I would be so upset that I would leave.
    Good luck to you and I hope that you get that aweosme s** back into your lives.

  • From a woman's perspective: You don't say how old you two are, I'm guessing mid 30's maybe? Women's bodies and their libidos change after giving birth. Maybe she's not feeling very sexy lately. Does she ask that the lights are always off. Is she more insecure then she used to be? The whole being clean, showering before s** etc.. it almost sounds like she's developing an ocd against germs..does that make sense? Just because you talk about her changing...Has she always been a religious fanatic or is this a new thing? Cause that sounds like the real culprit.

    You talk about your needs, but you don't mention if you've ever asked her what her needs are? What is she looking for? needing? Women respond in other ways and romance and talking with her may be more keys to your solution.

    I get that you're turned on by the video thing, but it's really a total invasion of her privacy. And if she ever suspects it, it will most likely be curtains for your relationship. Do not upload any videos. Leaving the gifts may actually work against you, right now. You need to have some (serious) conversations about the status of your s** life with your wife. Part of me, does think you should confront her and ask her point blank does she m********* with the're not mad, but she can no longer hold a double standard to you. Just say you noticed it was moved. But maybe before that extreme, try the romance route..remind her how sexy or beautiful she is, wine her, dine her.. see if she responds to that. Send the kids to the grandparents and go on a trip..Maybe even consult a s** therapist.

  • From the OP: Thanks for the reply. Yeah she does prefer the lights off but does not insist always but low lighting at least. But that never really changed with self mage. We both lost a lot of weight the last couple of years and even then it was the same. We are in mid 40's actually and kids are high school age, I realize she has changed sexually, maybe just hitting that peak in the 40s but not with me. Yeah I have tried everything over the years. The religious stuff started when she was 28 or so, she had rebelled against it when she was younger but came back to it. After kids and that it all went down hill. Over the years I tried romantic stuff, talking about it, begging, i tried waiting until she wanted it but she literally NEVER initiates anything she would probably be fine if we never did it at all. I suggested s** therapy even but she would not go and said there isn't a problem. I also just think casual confrontation and trying to talk about it would be best, but given past history I am also doubtful of that.

  • Sounds like she holds all the answers and there's more to this then lack of s**. I can only speculate what's really going on with her. It sounds like you're still in love with her, find her attractive and doing what you can to keep this marriage going. So what else is going on that could be reasons why she's not engaging you. Do you guys still talk and have fun, not just chit chat like did you take out the garbage out? Do you still connect with one another? Could she be depressed? Do you guys argue a lot? Have you ever cheated? has she? Is she still attracted to you (sorry, not what you want to hear or think about..) There has to be reasons why she's pulling away..of course, she could have always been like this and it's just getting worse with age. And again, libidos do change with age.

    You always have to continue the romantic stuff, maybe it's not working in your favor right now but it is appreciated. Initiating s**..some women just don't..fear of rejection even from their husband. Okays, so forget about s** therapy, couples therapy may be needed. Someone needs to shake her and wake her up.. If she won't see a licensed therapist, then maybe some one from the church. But you guys need to see someone, this doesn't sound like it's just going to go away and it doesn't sound like you two can work it out on your own. But you both can't go on the way you are, something needs to change and she can't turn a blind eye to to what's going on..Hope she realizes that finding a fix is worth it and will seek help.

Account Login
Is this post inapropriate?
Is this comment inapropriate?
Delete this post?