I'm getting a general feeling of hopelessness again, sometimes its not so bad, but its very bad again.
I felt like I was making all this progress and now I just feel stuck again, too afraid of both success and failure that I can't even move one way or another.
Some days I just want to take off. Not even to anywhere particular, just to leave with no real plan or destination. I've always wanted to. But it would hurt people if I did, and I would rather get rid of myself if I hurt anyone. I just want to make everyone happy. Even strangers. Even you, random person. I want you to be happy more than me, and I genuinely mean that.
Even though we've probably never met, and we'll probably never meet, I want you to be happy way more than I want my own happiness.
Its like I have this all consuming pit in me that wants me to hurt all the time. No matter any happy thing that happens to me, I don't let myself be happy about it. Even when I find something that makes me happy my brain always make me feel ashamed of being happy, as it were a bad thing that I got this small or big feeling of joy. I always beat myself up about it later.
And I'm surrounded by wonderful people and a loving family too, its not them. My boyfriend is the greatest person I could ever ask for, I don't deserve him or them. Its no ones fault but mine that I feel this way. I'm not worthy of these wonderful people. They deserve so much better, so I spend all my time trying to do anything to make them happy, even if its just something small like listening or pumping them up with compliments. I feel like I make up a little bit of my unworthiness by making them happy.
When people talk about depression or say they are depressed, they don't really know what it means. Its all consuming, and it never goes away. Someone might think its like a bad day on steroids, but its not. Its something that sticks with you, keeps you up at night, makes you write ridiculous diatribes on the internet that no one will read or care about. You feel it 24/7, and it really does consume you, I've lived with it for so long that I don't know what its like to not have this feeling. I can say without a doubt that I have a good life, with good people. But this 'disease' doesn't let me feel how lucky I am, I only feel how there are people who deserve this so so SO much more than piece of s*** me does.