A letter to a love lost: In the last
A letter to a love lost:
In the last year I have gone through a series of unanticipated surprises and changes. I went from a care-free twenty-something year old just trying to do what it takes to get by, to a responsible 'aspiring adult.' Although perhaps none of us on earth will ever be able to adopt every aspect of responsible adulthood, I have conceived a vision of what it takes to be grown up in today's world. I even got a taste of parenthood, albeit secondhand.
I tell you this because in the midst of this pending period of uncertainty, nothing will be able to remove the role that you have played in my growing up. Through you I have recognized that it is possible to love—and more importantly, to be loved again. You have consumed my thoughts nearly every minute of every day for the past year, and as much I might feel like you don't deserve to know it, you will not dissipate from my mind or heart any time soon.
Still, I am extremely hurt. I am hurt because I was not enough to keep you satisfied. I am not sure if it was my body, my open self-doubt, or my extreme infatuation with you. You were someone I was comfortable enough around to not hide these things, which I am learning are things that I should not be so open about in the future. I was so sure you were the one that 'running game' and seeming like a 'manly man' did not matter to me. I can assure you that the more 'manly' a man tries to be, the more he is at war with his self-image.
I am also devastated by the level of manipulation that you employed to be able to keep me in the dark for so long. I have told you that I have disdain for people who guilt trip their significant other when they know he or she is right about their hunch. I had to apologize to you for making accusations in order for you to still come see me for your birthday trip, which I spent nearly $1,000 on. Once here, you discussed a series of 'deal-breakers' that would be impossible to overcome; and since that point, you have remained adamant that a cheater does not deserve the air you breathe. You said that seeing your mother go through infidelity made it impossible to put someone through the same thing.
I was not worried because I thought that your jealousy simply meant that you were devoted to me. I knew that I had nothing to hide and I had no problem showing you supporting documents, including an electronic phone bill so that you could see that I was not seeing prostitutes! Still, I wanted to reciprocate your devotion. That is why I dropped everything every time there was a problem with you; that's why I went into debt for you; that's why I stayed with you through the dishonesty of lying about having a daughter; that's why I was never worried about the sanctity of our relationship.
I had no problem putting you before myself, but I have learned that there are issues that are greater than two people; that sometimes fighting to hold on to something you love is futile and it will only leave you black and blue. It kills me because no matter how hard I tried, I could not inspire you make the right decisions. Your issues are your own, and the only way I can get through this is to see beyond the betrayal and accept that you are not secure enough in yourself or your relationships to remain true to only one person.
You seem to know what it takes, which makes it that much more difficult. You know that cheating is wrong; you know what you felt when you saw those pictures on your ex's camera—you just don't love yourself enough to avoid it. And I could never make you love yourself, no matter how hard I tried.
Now I'm sure that you are going to get onto the defensive and do anything it takes to avoid showing remorse (maybe because you have a superficial fear that remorse negates self-confidence and sureness). Still, I cannot help but to feel spite when you display such a lack of remorse that is insulting to the relationship that we built. You can turn your back on me and deny everything we had, say it was f***** up and that we had all these problems…but you know and I know that we had something that kept us coming back. Or maybe you just didn't know what to do without me in a strange city and you wanted to break up all along. You tell me.
This is all just too much. I'm so disappointed that you're forcing me to turn my back on you. I wanted so bad to be the one to be there and to see you through all of the progress that I know you are going to make in your life. Now I will just sit and wonder what happened to you.