Happy one

I'm the happy one. The one who always has a smile on her face. The one who makes herself look like an idiot. I only do that so I can ignore the insults I get. I'm the one with only two emotions. Happy and mad. And most times it's happy. Even if I'm sad I smile. It's either that or I'm just quiet but no one sees it. I'm the one who listens to others when they need it. The one who sits there and comforts while others cry and talk about what's wrong. I cry when Im at home, alone, in the dark. When I have a problem I keep quiet. I don't talk about it. I can't. I feel guilty when I do. I hate talking about my own problems because I feel like I'm pushing my problems on others. I feel like they are just complain in their heads about me talking to them. I feel like they think my voice is annoying or my stutters are. I feel guilty because other people have their own problems. And everytime I cry I feel awful about it because I feel like I'm crying for no reason. I feel like I have to be annoying and loud to get attention because otherwise I would be hidden away and no one would notice me. I have to scream to get attention, when others only have to look a little sad. Even if I look sad no one asks if I'm alright. I have to reach out to others to have people see me.Ive only been asked if 'I'm alright about twice this school year. That's why I always ask someone else, just so they don't feel alone. But It's lonely. Especially lately. I'm losing anyone who was close to me. I'm just breaking more and more and I don't know how to stop it. Everyday I come home and I cry. I can't count the amount of times I just want to die. My worst fear is slowly coming true. I'm losing myself.

Jan 29, 2013

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  • I'm almost emotionless too. What I do is watch sad videos and listen to sad vocaloid songs so I can feel something. One video I recommend is Seasonal Feathers by Leon and IMochi-Heartwrenching. And an alternative to being loud to get attention, is letting your talents flourish.

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