I can't figure out why it bugs...

I confess that I have the hots for my trainer. I know it's mundane, probably cliché, and definitely not a good idea. Thing is, I just can't help myself.

I'm a normal gay man, nothing special to look at, I have a long term partner who I love very much and who I never want to hurt. Thing is, I am just mad about this guy. I can't get him off my mind and I think about him all the time.

Not just in the sense that I want to jump his bones (which I totally do!) but also just what a great guy he is and how much I like him. I've been working out with him for about a year and a half. Once or twice a week. I feel like we've developed a working friendship and I feel like I know him pretty well. I'm a hairdresser by trade and I'd been cutting his hair for most of our time together. We worked out a trade where I'd cut his hair for free and he'd train me for free in exchange. He was always super nice and he'd bring me a gift regularly. Usually training related - a supplement he wanted me to try, protein powder to try. Those kinds of things. It was really nice of him and I got the idea that maybe he wanted to have a friendship outside of our professional relationship, so I reciprocated. It was great, until he met his new girlfriend - who also happens to be a hairdresser - and that's where the confession comes in.

I was really sad when I found out that she'd cut his hair, and he didn't say anything to me about it before. Zero. I think I probably moped around the house for three days because my feelings were so hurt. I usually don't let my professional relationships get so personal for this reason, but this time I felt like I was betrayed in a weird sort of way. I mean, I get that the girl who's putting out for you is the priority, but c'mon man! Can't you say something to me and give me some consolation? Throw a dog a bone! So now I feel like I betrayed my partner by having this emotional affair (would you call it that?) and at the same time hurt by this guy. And I don't know how to sort it out. I don't feel like I did anything wrong, but I sort of do.


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  • I think you are attracted also to the idea that he is in a position of power. Do not underestimate the rosy glasses of power. We all act very different in our jobs, and with our social circle of friends, but the closest person that probably truly knows us is our partner. All you're seeing now is a hot & friendly nice guy. But maybe he is the type of person who likes to clip his toe nails in the kitchen table. You never know, until you live with someone. All I'm saying is be grateful you have someone who loves you and understands you and whom you can reciprocate that to as well. Sometimes shiny pennies are just that: shiny pennies, with no real value compare to what we already have at home.

  • The reason you're hurting is because you're aching for his c*** and haven't gotten it yet. Notice the word "yet". I use that word because I think that you will get his c***, and he won't give it to her anymore. When that happens, both of you will be happy. Focus on that day, and don't worry about her being in the picture: she won't be there for long.

  • It bugs you because you are already in love with him. Your current partner, and the trainer's new girlfriend, are both in the way. That's why it's so frustrating to you, and I totally get that. You need to maintain the friendship with your new man, and even deepen it if possible, but keep the contact going. Then, gradually, over time, begin to increase the expressions of affection, little by little, and without frightening him, until saying "I love you and I want us to be the couple, without anyone else involved" will seem perfectly natural to the circumstances. You sound like a really terrific guy, and eventually he will realize that you're the one he's supposed to be with, and that he wants to be inside you more than he wants to be inside her, and he'll totally dump that b****.

  • Ok this was a weird post

  • He didn't betray you, not even indirectly or casually, because there was no commitment to violate. What you felt for him -- and apparently still feel -- was an unrealized and unspoken hope that the two of you might become a couple, or at least s** partners, whether or not in secret. He also didn't need to offer you consolation because you'd lost no prize, at least no prize that he knew about. I say all that because it's real. But what's also real is your heartache, and I'm sorry that happened to you and is still happening to you. It's not your fault, you did nothing wrong, and there's nothing you can do now to correct the situation and make it better.......for you. You can, however, make it better for him (if you truly do care) by continuing to be his upbeat friend who looks forward to seeing and talking with him. If you can't do that, then you didn't actually care about him, but only cared about the excitement and thrill and arousal he brought to your life. That, I'm afraid, would be vanity.

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