I’m young, say, 21. I rarely drink soda, I don’t ever crave sweets or junk food, some days I only eat once (which I know is unhealthy). I drink on the weekends, I spend a lot of time cleaning or with friends, and I smoke way too much. I can barely breathe in the morning. I’m overweight. 196 lbs now. I was once 165, and got down to 174, but I’ve since gained a lot of it back. I actually have a decent face.. but it gets worse as I gain weight. I think I could handle my weight just fine if it weren’t for some of my other problems.
I have pcos, which is essentially cysts in my ovaries. I’m in pain a lot, and even that I could handle just fine.It’s next to impossible to lose weight with pcos. The real problem with pcos is it comes with a whole mess of other problems. My sleeping patterns are horrid, one of my ovaries is wanting to shut down, I get acne (in very embarrassing places), and worst of all; male pattern hair growth. It grows on my back (not THAT bad, and it’s blonde there), my ass, my stomach, my chest, , my face, my neck, and even my b******. These are things I have to shave before going into public. Not to mention my arms are very hairy, and my legs are incredibly pale. Even when I shave, you can see stubble under the skin. Sometimes I can’t shave smooth enough. Also, when I do shave, my skin breaks out everywhere.
Now for a second, let’s get back to the b******. Here’s another problem. I have breast hypoplasia. This means my t*** essentially look like underdeveloped 10 year old’s breast. My milk ducts never fully formed, and they are very odd. So that’s another thing we’ll tack on the list.
Next, I’ve had a difficult life (that I won’t get into now), and naturally like anyone these days, I’m very depressed. I have been for a long time. Aside from depression, I have very nervous tendencies. Now first let me explain that I’m a very friendly and outgoing person. I have a large amount of friends, and a ridiculous number of potential partners that are attracted to me. I have a lot going on outside of the house, and I’m well liked. The problems come when someone gets too close to me. Allow me to explain.
I can have s** with someone, but I have to be well prepared. I have to have showered and shaved everything for fear of someone seeing or feeling the hair. Try 1.5 hour baths/showers just to make sure your skin actually feels like a woman’s skin should. Then getting out only to have your skin break out if you’ve shaved at all in the last 4 days. I can have someone stay the night here on occasion, because I can run to the bathroom in the morning and shave anything that needs shaved. I can sometimes stay at someone else’s house as well, providing I pack a few must haves in my purse. But I can’t be fully comfortable with anyone because at the back of my mind, everywhere they touch they could find out my secret. Even just showing my b****** during s** is hard for me, and lately I’ve only been able to do it at night, in the dark, while I’m laying down because I don’t care if they know I have small b******, I just don’t want them to see how they’re shaped. When my boyfriend tries to rub my face and chin while he kisses me, it scares me, and I can’t enjoy the kiss. If I know I have a bit of stubble, I’ll have a full blown panic attack. Most times I try to hide it, but sometimes I can’t help it, and I pull away, making him think I’m not interested in him. I actually can’t do too much with him because he’s gorgeous and thinks I’m a real catch… and I don’t want him to find out he’s wrong. I’m completely taken over by fear and insecurities that is ruining my relationship, and several in the past.
One of my exes berated me for how I looked all the time, and it drove my confidence down. He once told me that I didn’t know what I was doing on top, and made me feel horrible for it, and now I have panic attacks when I’m on top in bed, because I’m afraid I’m horrible and that my thighs are in the way. I used to be great in bed, but not so much anymore, because I’m too scared.
These problems cause me to be VERY socially awkward when alone in the company of someone I like, and want to like me. I can’t remember anything, I slur my words and stutter, and I feel like a complete idiot. I’m absolutely terrified. So terrified it hurts, and I want this relationship to work out, that’s why after all these years I’m finally writing this. I’m pretty poor, so breast augmentation and laser hair removal aren’t options, only pipe dreams. I want to be my confident self around my boyfriend, but I fear I’m f****** everything up by being so scared, timid, and prudish. I want him to see the real me, and I want to be able to do what I want to do and not be afraid. I’m tired of not being able to open up to someone close to me, and I’m tired of awkward conversations with fake excuses as to why I can’t take my clothes off that night.