A quandry.

Ok. Here is my problem.

I have a newish friend. Known her about two years. Become closer and closer that whole time. Been pretty close for about a year now, and the last 6 months we’ve become very good friends. Nights out, texts and so on. Get on with her better than with anyone else, pretty much.

I’ve always fancied her a bit, but recently she’s all I can think about. I have fallen in love with her. This is a massive problem for lots of reasons.

I have a girlfriend. I have been with her a very long time. I love her still. The thought of hurting her kills me. I don’t want to be without her. I can’t stop thinking about my friend though. I know I can’t have both. I shouldn’t have either.

Problem one: I have to live with a constant guilt. I love my girlfriend but I don’t give her the attention she deserves any more. She is too good for me. I can’t live without her, but I can’t have both.

Problem two: My friend is just that and that only. I’ve waited years to have a close female friend, I finally get one and I fall in love with her. I want to go back to being just friends. Maybe I’ve always felt this way, and was hoping that when I got to know her better it would fade. It hasn’t though.It’s started to show and people are noticing. I can’t keep a lid on it and I have everything to lose.

Problem 3. My friend has a boyfriend. I like him. He’s a great guy. An extra bit of guilt there.

Problem 4. My friend doesn’t fancy me. I don’t think. She likes me a lot, but none of the signals are there. Why do I love her so much then? My girlfriend and other friends think she does a bit, but they don’t know her.

Problems 1 and 4 are the main ones. The sensible thing would be to slowly move away from my friend. But every day we are getting closer. I don’t want to lose her, but I have. It’s a friendship built on false ground. It’s only a matter of time until she notices that I love her too.

Love is the most powerful feeling in the world. Imagine that, doubled.
Couple that with searing guilt about my unfaithful and adulterous thoughts. I can’t promise I won’t cheat. In many ways I already have, with every thought. 100 times a day. Finally, there’s no greater pain than unrequited love. I feel shallow and unloved, even though both love me in very different ways.

Two amazing girls in my life, most people would kill for one. I can’t be happy though. Whatever happens I will probably end up without one of them, probably both if I can’t forget my friend. If only I was happy to keep my friend as just that. What do I do?

Oct 8, 2013

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  • You talk about not wanting to lose the found friend but you haven't got her yet and chances are you won't "get" her.
    Get over her.

  • Sorry, ignore the second post! I accidentally commented twice!

  • I'm sorry this is happening to you. You seem so conflicted and hurt.

    For now, try to spend more time with your girlfriend. You wrote that you love her. If you spend more time with her, then you may remember why you love her in the first place. If you do really love her, then remind yourself why you love your girlfriend whenever you think of your friend.

    Also, your friend is in a relationship with a guy you respect. It will be difficult, but try to give them their space when you can.

    Don't beat yourself up for your feelings. You genuinely seem like a good person. You're trying their best not to hurt anybody. So, hopefully, things will work out in your favor. :)

  • Im sorry this is happening to you. You seem so conflicted.

    Maybe you should spend more time with your girlfriend. Spending more time with her may remind you why you love her in the first place.

    Try not to fixate on your guilt. You're trying your best not to hurt anybody. You sound like a nice and conscientious person. Hopefully, things will work out in your favor :)

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