Hunted by my mistakes
I am hunted by my earlier mistakes. Thoughts are keeping me awake at night and make me feel like a really sick and f***** up person.
I will now confess my two biggest mistakes:
1. when I was 19 I worked as a cashier at a supermarked, and I stole a lot of money during a long periode of time. until I got cut and obviously got fired. I am now 25 and this mistake is still keeping me awake at night full of regret.
2. My second and absolutely worst mistake happened a year ago; I cheated on my boyfriend with a boy, 10 years younger than me! YEAH I KNOW a 15 year old boy.. But lets be clear. I am NOT a pedofile, I don't feel atracted to children, I don't fatasize about having intercourse or any of that kind of relationship with children or teens. I consider pedofilia a sad and discusting illness. .. so what happened with this particular boy I can't grasp.!
The first time I saw him and our eyes met there was an inmediate conection. It was like "love" at first sight (even though i don't believe in that). Ive never tried anything like that before in my entire life. We both felt a deep conection and became friends extremely fast. We both felt a conection like if we were related. We felt love for eachother, like the love there is between siblings. And people could se it aswell. They joked about that we had been twins in a earlier life. It felt like we had knowned eachother forever, like we had growed up together.
As time past the feelings began to change. And I know that I as the adult should have had done something. Starting to avoid him or something like that. But I didn't.... And it finaly let to you know what...
I feel like a disgusting person. We have never talked about what happened neither to eachother or to anyone. We both pretend like it never happened. I know that it is completely and entirely my responsability. And that I as the adult never should have let it get that far.
We still se eachother. Like friends, or brother and sister. It was a one time thing thats for sure. I will never let myself get driven away that way again. But I can't stop feeling very bad. I don't like having this secret. Specially when I am at his familys house for a visit. They all consider me a part of the family, and it is killing me to have this disgusting secret. I feel like I have betrayed their trust, and that i don't deserve their love.
I really like that family and i don't want to lose their friendship..
What can I do???