My sad world. Atleast I got my dog. (27male/gay))

Trying to break up with my boyfriend. I'm a liar, bi-polar, memory issues, chemically dependent, smoke 2 packs a day, lazy, a drunk, arthritis, a bad knee, have seizures, depressed, irresponsible, socially retarded, and I'm supposed to have back surgery- but am too sick and don't have insurance. I probably could fix many of these problems if I was a better person. I barley eat or sleep anymore. I weigh 165lbs and keep losing weight although I'm 6'4" and should weigh 185. I hate looking in the mirror because I look like a skeleton or a burnt out drug addict. I'm embarrassed to let people see me. Every day I get a bit worse and the pain hurts a bit more. I wear baggy clothes and pretend to smile so nobody notices. I don't try to make friends anymore. Getting out of bed is difficult, standing is hard, work is worse. I had to abandon all my hobbies because my body can't keep up. Sometimes it gets so bad my ears ring, I vomit, get dizzy, or lay in bed crying all day. I'm not afraid to die, I really want to, but I don't trust anyone to take care of my best friend- my German Shepherd dog. I love him more than anything, and no matter what, I will stay here to make sure he is happy and has the best life possible no matter what. He is the only thing that keeps me alive and the only thing that would miss me. I trained him as a service dog and he hasn't left my side for over 8 hours in his 4 years, he goes with me everywhere and will always be loved until he leaves me. Suicide would be a great option if it wasn't for my dog. He is the only thing I have ever done right and worship him for being such a good boy. I love my family and friends, but I have distanced myself from them as much as possible so they wont notice when I go. I hate myself for putting my bf through this breakup and all the s*** before this. It kills me inside to think he is lonely or hurting because of my stupid mistakes. I miss him more than anyone could know and I don't think that feeling is ever going away. The pain of not seeing him or the mere thought of him being sad is worse than any physical pain I have ever felt. He has saved me so many times, but now, its my turn to save him from myself. It takes every ounce of determination to stop from calling him and telling more lies so we can be together just a bit longer. He deserves so much better. He shouldn't have to look after a broken person that is just going to get worse. I have the rings but never proposed because my stupid-selfish problems caused us to fight. Even if I were to get better by some miracle, he still deserves better than me. This would have been our 9th anniversary. I will always regret not being stronger and better person for him like he did for me. I wish I could bake him a cake for his birthday next week so I could see him smile. I hate myself, so much, it is all my fault and I deserve everything that is wrong right now.

2 Comments

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  • You sound like your thinking is clouded, maybe by depression or something. You really need some counselling to help you see a different way to view and handle things. Good luck to you.

  • Well if you barely eat you're gonna keep losing weight. You're still young, wanna spend your lfie like this, be 60, look back and think "Wow but I really had potential". Dude, grab life by the b**** and stop giving a f about what people say.

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