Need advice

I had a best friend from seventh grade to about 10th. Somewhere along the way, we started hating each other. During my junior year we DESPISED each other, and to be honest I don't really understand why even now. I've dealt with mental health problems from before she met me, until now, and I always knew that it took a toll on our friendship, but I didn't realize how much until about 10 minutes ago...
She always told me that she had a very personal tumblr (she told me this when we were freshmen) that she wouldn't share the URL of. Well, I just found it and it has been 3 years since she told me about it. I felt weird reading through it (I wasn't actively looking for this tumblr so I wasn't prepared) but really felt the urge to read all of the posts she had. I ended up finding one that was CLEARLY about me. Down to my family details. And she seemed so...sad about me. She described how my suicidal tendencies and reckless behavior made her feel like she was responsible for me. It really felt like a smack in the face from the minute I realized it was about me.
So now, I pretty much understand why we hate each other: She resented me for my problems, and I picked up on this and thought she was just being an a******.
I don't know what to do with this new knowledge. Part of me wants to just contact her and say that I'm sorry. I'm not even looking to be her friend again, I just feel horrible about how she used to feel about me. I can really understand, too, why she felt the way she did. I was in and out of the hospital, self harming, anxiety attacks almost every day, doing drugs, etc. I've changed a lot since we stopped talking, and my mental health is better than ever.
I guess my question is, should I apologize to her or something, or should I just take this knowledge and grow from it?
I don't want her to think I'm desperate, and I also don't want to have to apologize for things I didn't choose to happen to me. I just feel so bad for not seeing these things before.

Jan 1, 2015

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  • You two may never be really close friends again, that will take time if you both are willing. And an apology wouldn't come off as desperate. I think (would hoe) she would probably really appreciate an apology. And maybe apologizing for you would help you heal too. And I think you totally nailed it on how she must have been feeling. She also had to take care of herself too. And sometimes when you don't know how to help someone, it's easy to get angry with the other person and the situation at hand. And you were obviously dealing with a lot for a person so young. You didn't know how it was affecting others. Glad you are in a better place. The tumbler account is public, whether she told you the URL or not. And she has every right to post whatever she wants. Maybe you can start the conversation and say I found your site and wanted to thank you because it gave you clarity and continue with whatever you wanted to say.

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