Lines Have Been Crossed
I'm a husband and a father. Just minutes ago, I'm pretty sure I just had my first suicidal thought. It was about 3 minutes after the family went out to play in the snow. My wife and I have a small child who is just now becoming old enough to enjoy making a snowman, etc.
An important part: I have been out of work for six months and I cold call places, have applied to more than 150 places, all for jobs I'm sure I could perform. We've had to sell off things we enjoy but don't necessarily need. My wife's friends have husbands that are enjoying much more success than we are. She resents me and has explicitly made that clear and had threatened to leave with the kid several times.
We're having a fun time out in the drive and throwing snowballs. At first, nice and easy, at each other's legs or stomach. The pace escalates with the wife taking clear aim at my head. No worries, as I can swat them away and it's all part of playing. Once the kid got a lucky shot in at the back of his mom's head, she started sending more shots his way. I say repeatedly, "hey now, ease up everyone, this isn't going to end well. play safe." Well, her aim's not that good, and she popped him right in the face. He starts crying and spits in her face and says I hate you, etc. I tell her "he should've, you kept going right at his head until you got him. i told you this wasn't going to end well." that's when things went apeshit.
She starts screaming at me, claiming this is why I'm failing in life, I'm unfair, I'm hateful, she can't wait to return the favor, f*** you, flipping me off, and more, in view and earshot of the kid. i pick the kid up and tell him it was an accident and we all need to calm down.
we go inside and she continues, all within earshot of the child, who has retreated to a table and is playing a video game. i stop and tell her i overreacted and shouldn't have told him he should've spit in her face. i tell him that accidents happen, and spitting and saying hateful things is never OK. I tell him I said bad things, he said bad things, and the snowball was an accident and his mom feels terrible about it. she continues to tell me i "need to leave, f*** you, i wish sometimes you'd get hit by a bus, just f'n go away, i can't wait to do the same to you, when things happen fast to you, you'll know why"... you get the idea.
when i consider the difficulty of being unemployed in a part of the country where there isn't a great amount of work, but a few options, the very tentative nature of the remainder of my marriage, and what my child witnesses, i start thinking of what my options are, and what might make things better for my child. not for me, not for her, but for my child. i keep reminding myself that no insurance covers suicide. damn. all i want is to work and make these two happy. i'm not complicated, but times are. i live in the southeastern U.S. and I'm trying to be a good father and a project manager or estimator in the construction industry for someone, immediately. there. thanks for the chance to just get this out.