Am I horrible?

I am a 16 year old boy. A few months ago I lost my stepmother to colon cancer. My family had known for a while but it was still a shock to us. It was heartbreaking to watch someone I knew to be so vibrant and full of life dying in front of me. Each day it was worse and worse. We all cried and knew that we would lose her but it still killed us a little inside each day. On the day that she died we were all around her while she laid on her death bed. We were all holding her hands and kissing her. Everyone was saying I love you and talking to her telling her it was okay for her to go. What I saw before me was a shred of the person I used to know hanging on by a thin strand of life. It broke all of our hearts. When she died everyone was crying except for me. I didn't shed a single tear, not one. After, I hated myself. I hated that I didn't cry and I thought there was something wrong with me. I regretted not making her life easier and better. I hated myself for so many things. I often cry at night as I lay in bed and when I think of her. Am I horrible for not crying when she passed away? Am I horrible for not making her life easier while she was here to enjoy it?

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  • My parents were alcoholics and they both died a sad death. I never cried for
    either because I believed they had to be better off than living in torment for
    all those years.

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  • You are not horrible, you're human. We all deal with death, dying and grieving differently. And especially at such a young age.. even older people who have led a long life have a difficult time expressing feelings. Your stepmom knows that you love her and she loved you. Don't doubt that for a moment. Speaking to a therapist can certainly help. Don't be afraid to talk about her and reminisce about the good times. She will always be a part of your life.

  • I agree with this post. 100%.

  • No you're not horrible. People react to grief in different ways. I was 11 when my dad died and didn't until about 4 years later. I urgently suggest you find a grief counselor or support group to talk to. Don't blame yourself, I'm sure she knew you loved her.

  • What matters is how you felt about this lady in your heart. You sound a nice young man. Don't be too h****** yourself. Guess you could have helped her in a better capacity if you were able to do so.

    In my moments of grief, I watched some movies the gave me hope; like "A thief in the Night"; it's on You Tube.
    I read books like; "The purpose driven Life"; it is available online and wherever books are sold; even electronic copies.

    Take time to mourn and find comfort with the above resources. Good wishes.

  • No your not horrible. I didn't cry when my dad died, 3 months after his death I just lost it coming home from work - I had to pull over I was crying so hard.
    It's probably shock.
    Don't beat yourself up; you are a kid, and I'm sure your stepmom knows you love her!
    It's ok - peace & godspeed

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