I'm insecure and want to die :)
This is an extremely long post of me talking about my insecurities and a bit about my suicidal thoughts. But of course, me wanting to die is not just because of my lack of self-confidence.
I think I first became insecure when I was around 4 or 5. I often got teased about my big eyes. Some of my grandmother's friends didn't even call me by my name. They just knew me as the kid with big eyes. Because I was always sensitive and took things personally, I would cry whenever my eyes were made fun of, and I thought everyone around me hated me. That's not the only reason of course.
At night, I would often think about how much I hated my family for always teasing me and making fun of me for crying. I thought it would be better to just kill myself since no one loved me. I told myself that when the clock strikes 12 am I would grab a knife and end it all. Of course, I never did because I always fell asleep before 12, and I was too scared anyway.
Fast forward to 2nd grade, my body was already developing. I needed to a wear baby bra and a tank top under my uniform to cover my nipples. I was taught how to use a deodorant because I would have body odor when I sweat.
One time after PE, my shirt became see-through because of my sweat, and my bra was visible. My classmates pointed it out, and I felt humiliated. That's when I became insecure about my body.
When I was 9, I got my period. A few days before that, I noticed that my underwear had some drops of blood. I thought I was sick but didn't say anything to anyone. When I finally got it, I didn't have school and woke up at around 12pm. I went into the bathroom to pee and saw that my underwear was soaked in blood. I was overwhelmed and started bawling my eyes out. I knew what it meant, but I was still confused. I didn't know what to do. I read somewhere that menstruation typically starts at 13-14. I was only 9 and s** ed didn't happen until 5th grade.
No one my age had it and I felt even more insecure. There was no one to lend me a pad, and the nurse's office was at the other side of the campus. When it leaked and I had to get a pad from the nurse, I just hoped the leak didn't go through my jacket. I always freaked out about being made fun of. I never had great confidence.
When I was in elementary, I also fought with my mom a lot. She always got mad at how I moved slow and could barely catch the bus. She got mad that I never wanted to eat. Not because I thought I needed to lose weight, I wasn't insecure about the shape of my body until later on, but because I just didn't feel hungry, and I was sick of having to eat the same thing over and over again. I understood the reason for the lack of variety. Money was tight and there were times we didn't have electricity.
Because of our fights and because I didn't have anyone to vent to, I had suicidal thoughts again. I would often cry myself to sleep while thinking about how much my mom hated me and how much I wished I was dead so that she wasn't stressed all the time.
As I started getting more into social media, I became more and more insecure. Everywhere I looked there was always someone who looked better than me, someone who didn't have damaged, frizzy, unruly hair, someone who didn't have a big nose with a flat and wide bridge, someone who didn't have uneven, big eyes.
As I got older, my insecurities grew. I went from being insecure about my face and my b****** to being insecure about my whole body. There were times I would look into the mirror for about 30 minutes and just point out my flaws. I was never satisfied with what I saw.
I had suicidal thoughts until 6th grade. I went to a new school and some things were slightly better.
I was better until 8th grade. So many things stressed me out, and I was unhappy again. I broke down in school several times, and of course, none of the teachers cared. None of the teachers tried to comfort me, and I know it's not their job to. I just hate it when someone says teachers are like parents and they care about the well-being of their students. They don't. Most of the guys in my grade drank alcohol and vaped, but they never intervened. I think there were even times they went to school high. No matter how many times I cried because I was so tired of living, they didn't ask me what was wrong or how they could help. They never worried about the quiet students that barely spoke. They never wondered if the students were quiet because they couldn't fit in and have friends or if they were just genuinely quiet.
I've reached out to teachers and my family but they never cared about what was truly wrong. I've shown so many signs but they never caught on. So many people with authority have let me down, and it f****** hurts.