Don't find my wife attractive

I still love my wife, we've been together 10 years, but I hate how she looks now. This isn't a getting older issue, or stretch marks from kids issue. It's that she's gained 70lbs in the last 3 years and continuously cuts her hair short (which I hate and she knows it).

I look in the mirror, I look very similar to how I did 10 years ago, my hair is thinning a little and I've got stray grey hairs but I'm in better shape physically than I was when we met. I go to the gym 3 times a week, always ask my wife to join me, she comes and might walk for a bit, have a quick swim. Then she's done.

She eats the most enormous portions, at least double what I eat, with almost no exercise and then complains that she's fat (her words, not mine).

I actively avoid having s**, or being affectionate with her and I'm almost embarrassed to be seen in the street with her. Since this weight gain even her friends question why we're together. I've tried my best, I do things with her, I take her to the gym, do these awful diets, tell her she's still beautiful, everything I should be doing but I'm getting to the point where I'm done.

If she's going to continue not making an effort, or starting a diet and exercise plan, then giving up after a week because it's too hard then I'm gonna find someone I am attracted to eventually.

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  • Sounds like a woman who has checked out.

    If She does not check back in after an honest conversation, then you should check out too - Permanently.

  • My wife did the same. A hardbodied dancer when we met. 5'8" 125lbs, firm b******.

    Now she is over 200lbs, DD sagging b****** that hang to her belly button, and she avoids s** because SHE says she is fat.

    Never had a baby, but she eats loads of sweets and never exercises.

  • She's let herself go. Happens all the time. Dump her and move on. No biggie.

  • ^ agreed ^. get somebody thinner and much younger.

  • Welcome to marriage bro.

  • I don't criticize her, I actually do like I said, I tell her she's beautiful. I buy her nice clothes, I join in with all her losing weight plans and I exercise with her. I do all the things you've mentioned and even if I'm a little embarrassed I still take her on dates, etc. Does anything improve? No. In fact she suggested that instead of her losing weight I should just get fat too, that way she won't look too bad........

    We still get on great, but there is absolutely zero sexual attraction. I can't fake sexual attraction. As a person and a wife I still love her and appreciate her, but as a lover, I simply do not find her attractive.

    We are looking into counseling as I agree she is likely depressed, however she seems p***** off I even suggested it to be honest.

  • Did you marry your wife for her looks or for her essence? Rather than criticize and be embarrassed of her, let her know how you feel and help her to improve her appearance. Treat your wife to a salon day, hair, facial, nails etc. Encourage her to buy new clothes and start walking with her several times a week in order to help her to lose weight. Also plan some date nights so that you can learn to appreciate her again. Let us know how this works out.

  • I don't criticize her, I also take her on dates at least once a week and regularly invite her to exercise. I've treated her to lots of new clothes and spa days. I appreciate her, but I'm not attracted to her. I married her for the overall package, I loved everything about her including her looks. Now I love everything except her looks, which really and truly make me not want to be physical with her. I don't expect her to look the way she did 10 years ago, I just expect and want her to make some effort. 10, 20 or even 30 pounds, I get that, no problem. She still looked good 30 pounds heavier and Not everyone is interested in being in shape. 70 pounds heavier though, it's just a huge turn off

  • Okay, it sounds as if you've done what you can so far. Maybe couple's therapy would help you since you apparently still care enough to talk about issues and have no plan to leave. Good Luck.

  • I certainly have no plans to leave but she shows no interest in doing anything about the problem so far, just complains that I don't want s** anymore, which doesn't help me want s** for some strange reason......

  • Her friends need to stay out of it! I'm guessing you stay together because you have kids like most people. She sounds depressed - if she wears something a little nice tell her, she may need to be reminded she is sexual too!

  • We're still together because we still love each other, but of course us having a kid makes things more complicated. Unfortunately at 70 pounds heavier than when when met whatever she wears it doesn't look great.

  • ^Totally agree. She sounds super depressed. Counseling may help you two. Because although you need to tell her what you posted here, the ultimate change has to come from her. She has to want to feel sexy and and feel good about herself. And sometimes that can be the hard - even if you are there to support her. Have you ever asked if she's happy? and if not, what does she really need? Not from you necessarily..but what would be something to help her and motivate her?

  • We're looking into counseling, good advice. I haven't talked to her about it because quite honestly I don't want to be the guy who tells her she needs to get the weight off. Neither of us are very happy at the moment, her because I don't want s** anymore, me because I can't have s** with her anymore.

  • She may not be depressed at all but feels unappreciated by her husband.

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