A weight in my heart

It's been 2 years now and l still haven't gotten used to society.

On Christmas Day 2014 my family had a morning walk before opening presents (a family tradition) and because I live in the Southern Hemisphere it's spring at Christmas. My grandma was with us and we were just leaving the river and climbing up the stairs on the bank when it happened.

My dog rushed past us and she lost her balance and fell backwards. I reached out to grab her but I was too late. Because I wasn't concentrating hard enough and because my reaction times weren't good enough, my grandma slipped backwards and cracked her skull open on the rocks right in front of me.

There was suddenly blood everywhere and I fell onto my knees beside her. Her eyes were looking straight ahead and not seeing anything. It was then I realised she wasn't breathing. She had died right there in front of me because I wasn't fast enough.

I'm only fifteen, I'm not that old at all, but right then I was forced to grow up a whole lot all at once.

Now when my friends wings about how their parents give them such a hard time and I wish they would leave me alone and once they said
"The worst feeling is when you try and eat weetbix before the milk soaks it but you're too late and I turns into mush" and I realised that, they don't know. They are so innocent that they can't understand what happened and what is still happening.

I can't talk to them about my loss because they all are like "wasn't that like 2 years ago though?" And then dismiss it because I'm not openly crying. I still have nightmares about it happening again and again, over and over it plays, but just the sound of her head hitting the rocks.

I can't stay overnight at people's houses because I might have a nightmare and freak them out so much that I might not be invited over again. Once I went camping with a bunch of my friends and I had a nightmare that ensued in a panic attack and they all didn't know what was happening or what to do so they had to call one of their mothers to come and pick me up whilst I was left to continue my panic.

I can't talk to anyone because my friends don't understand, I don't like my teachers and I don't want my parents to worry. It's almost suffocating.

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  • I feel so bad

  • Im sorry you are suffering with self blame. If anyone could be blamed it would be the dog! But quite honestly it's not the dogs fault either! I am sure your grandmother would wMt you to remember her smiling and holding you and she wants you to be happy little one - keep talking about it til you can cope - peace and love

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