How did I Let This Happen.....
There are not even words to describe how much I hurt someone who is without a doubt the best thing that ever happened to me. I know I could've spent the rest of my life with him, but that the fact that I hurt him isn't even the worse part. However, it is the most shameful part and it will stay with me forever.
Let me make one thing clear, there is no excuse or justification for what has happened. I'm not looking for anyones sympathy and if you understand how this could happen, then your as screwed up as I am.
Many years ago I fell in love with a guy named Eric and early on I knew he had some emotional abandonment issues and would probably break my heart, but I fell for him anyway. Long story short this guy emotionally gutted me and I swore that there was no way in h*** I would ever allow myself to hurt someone that I knew loved me by doing the type of things he did.
I've been headed down that same road for close to a year now and today I came face to face with all of my worst fears. I had a new man in my life also named Eric that I knew without question loved me with no reservations and is an incredible man. Yet I allowed myself to get caught up in so much of my own selfish bullshit that I couldn't see that I was or pretty much all ready had done the exact same god awful, gut wrenching, soul crushing thing to him that I swore I would never be capable of doing to someone.
I wish with all my heart I could take it back, not just because I know I lost the best thing I've ever had, but because today I didn't just see that I broke the heart of a really great man that had given his everything to me. I opened myself back up completely again and felt every ounce of that same pain rush into me all over again. How could I have been so blinded to my own superficial nonsense that I didn't see the pain I was inflicting.
Saying, I want to die doesn't even begin to cover how I feel. I'm sick to my stomach, I can't stand the sight of myself and all I want is for his pain to go away.