Hate being a mom and wish my mother miscarried me

I secretly hate being a mother most days and I'm jealous of friends that have lost their kids to the other parent/state cause they can do whatever they want.

I'm a single mom who doesn't have daddies that take my kids every other weekend, their non existent. No child support ever so I am responsible for everything and want to punch my friends in the face when they complain about the dad not sending "the check" or if the dad couldn't take the kids on their scheduled weekends grrr and have no family support either....it's only me.

I pretend to be happy but secretly I wish I wasn't a mother. I have never told anyone. My kids are taken care of and their need are met but I can't wait till their all 18 so I can literally just dissappear. I already feel invisible by everyone around me and that's what I want to do.

I really wish I was a miscarriage for my mom though because then I never would have brought my children onto this world. I think about suicide on a daily basis and cry ALOT and then feel horrible when I lie to my youngest who's 7 I'm crying happy tears when really I'm wishing she was never born so I could kill myself. I could never do it and cause such pain to my kids.

They really are the only reason I'm alive but their also the reasons I die inside every day.

I've never told anyone any of this and have been suppressing these thoughts and feelings since my oldest was born 18 yrs ago. I'm sure with therapy I could get answers for why I'm like this but between working full time and being there mom and never having a break I have absolutely no time and also dont want to be told my thoughts and feelings are normal, I don't feel they are.

I do feel a little better confessing this finally.

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  • Not saying parenting is easy at all. But you need to have your emotional and mental needs in check. Go and see your doctor at once and get your depression in check. If you're really at the end of your rope - you could surrender your parental rights to your nearest kin. Older kids are a bit tough to adopt and will surely separate siblings. But it is an option. You love your kids, but let's put it this way there are a lot of ways you can f*** them up. If you were to commit suicide, that would destroy them. Even after they turn 18..they're still your kids and maybe at that time when they're adults they'll be people you want to hang out with. But if you disappear - again it's the same as abandonment. You need to find ways to connect with adults and do something for you. Treat yourself when you can. Take care of yourself, exercise and eat healthy. If you are happier, your kids will be happier. You may still have struggles and it's not the answer to everything, but it is a start and may help.

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