Hate being a mom and wish my mother miscarried me
I secretly hate being a mother most days and I'm jealous of friends that have lost their kids to the other parent/state cause they can do whatever they want.
I'm a single mom who doesn't have daddies that take my kids every other weekend, their non existent. No child support ever so I am responsible for everything and want to punch my friends in the face when they complain about the dad not sending "the check" or if the dad couldn't take the kids on their scheduled weekends grrr and have no family support either....it's only me.
I pretend to be happy but secretly I wish I wasn't a mother. I have never told anyone. My kids are taken care of and their need are met but I can't wait till their all 18 so I can literally just dissappear. I already feel invisible by everyone around me and that's what I want to do.
I really wish I was a miscarriage for my mom though because then I never would have brought my children onto this world. I think about suicide on a daily basis and cry ALOT and then feel horrible when I lie to my youngest who's 7 I'm crying happy tears when really I'm wishing she was never born so I could kill myself. I could never do it and cause such pain to my kids.
They really are the only reason I'm alive but their also the reasons I die inside every day.
I've never told anyone any of this and have been suppressing these thoughts and feelings since my oldest was born 18 yrs ago. I'm sure with therapy I could get answers for why I'm like this but between working full time and being there mom and never having a break I have absolutely no time and also dont want to be told my thoughts and feelings are normal, I don't feel they are.
I do feel a little better confessing this finally.