The one that got away

I feel so dumb... 5,5 years ago I was at a really bad place in my life. I had quite recently broken up with a man who broke my heart into pieces and I wasn't ready for a new relationship. Then I met this really sweet guy, named A. I live in the Netherlands, he lives in the UK. We met through a mutual friend, and just really clicked immediately. After a while I decided to visit him in London for a week and we had a great time. After that, I realized I really was in love but the distance was too big. I broke it off, but really wanted to remain friends. Very shortly after, I had s** with someone else and I know that hurt him a lot. We lost contact and after a while, he blocked me on his phone and on all social media. He got a new relationship and so did I, but he never left my heart and I always regretted hurting him. I send him several emails, but never gotten a reply.

At the beginning of this month, I visited London for a day and instantly missed him so much. Everything reminded me of him, and I had to stop myself from visiting his house (of which I'm not even sure he still lives in). I knew my visit wouldn't have been wanted, or else he would've replied to me by now. I therefor emailed him one last time to tell him how sorry I was to have hurt him, and that I missed his friendship and his personality more than I could put into words. I clicked send and decided to let it rest, even though it hurt me very much to finally put an end to my feelings.

Three weeks pass, and I tried not to think of it. Then today comes, and in a mindless scroll on facebook I got shocked to the core. For the first time in years I see a sign of life; another mutual friend of ours who never posts anything on facebook, posts a photograph. It's of her on A's wedding. He married the girl he started dating after me. My feelings are so mixed, because on the one side I'm incredibly happy for him to found the love that he deserves. On the other hand I'm sad for myself, because it was not to me. Even though I'm now in a loving relationship to another great guy whom I love deeply, I never let my feelings for A. go. My heart still holds room for him, and to me, he is the one that got away. I left him. I hurt him. Therefor, I'm the one to blame and I know that. I just can't get past the feeling that it could've been me at that altar. I really wish him all the best, but at this moment, I'm more sad than I have ever been about him. I also feel extremely guilty towards my boyfriend, because for some reason, this feels like I'm betraying him.

I truly f***** up.

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