I confess

I confess a lot.

i never thought that there will come a time that i will need to kill someone.. someone that i haven’t met but i know will love in the future if i just met this person.
i know i will love this person more than my life. more than anything. i will for sure give him everything i have and everything i can. but right now. at this moment … today. i am a selfish person that only think about myself.
i want to blame his dad. but i can’t because in the first place i shouldn’t have s** with him when we’re not even in a relationship. when he doesn’t even love me. when he just want to have s** thats why we did it. and now. my first baby,, i won’t see my first child. won’t even know what he will looks like. will he be a boy or girl? will he have my small asian eyes? his dads pointed nose or my small nose? i will never ever know because i will choose not too.
its not my first mistake with his dad. i met his dad in my work. i weren’t that close friends till after few months I’ve
been working there. i had my boyfriend away from me, daddy had a problem with his girlfriend and another girl she likes, i was there to listen and give him advise while i was drunk. yes! i was drunk and saying stupid but sensefull things. “you need to be sure before you do something” thats what i keep telling him, never knew i will tell that to myself now. we got close to each other telling our problems to each other. closeness that leads to more deeper. he has a girlfriend , they were okay. i have a boyfriend far from me. we got drunk and i need to go home. he offered me his place and plan was he will go to his girlfriends place while i can stay on his room. but when i was about to sleep. they had a fight and ends up i see him changing pyjama.i was surprised!. i asked whats happening .. he said he sleep there with me. i wasn’t thinking of anything. but. i hugged him. maybe i felt alone and was looking for my boyfriend. whatever my reason is. it was stupid. but i know i liked him a bit. while I’m hugging him i opened my eyes and his lips was near mine, he looked at me and kissed me. i wanted to stop. but i think i really didn’t want to. i kissed him back. we both know what we are doing is wrong. but we continued and had s**. and happened a couple of times. my boyfriend came back for me. he stayed with me. i stopped seeing daddy to have s**. but we work on the same place but we remain friends and decided to stop whatever we are doing. weeks after me and my boyfriend had problems and we broke up. he broke up with me and i started crying and needed someone to talk to. and daddy is person i can talk to. few weeks after.. thought we’re okay, we drank just one beer so i can’t blame alcohol for that, he asked me if i feel the same. i didn’t answer so that just means yes. i told him I’m going to the toilet. which i really meant. but he misread it and followed me and had s** with him. its started again. we had s** at work going the blind spot were cctv can’t catch. we had s** in a friends house while friends are sleeping near us. it stopped for so long. he broke up with his girlfriend.but I’ve
already stopped myself from liking him.after we had a fight about some trust issues friends. our friendship started to go down.. but a month ago i moved to my room. he needed to get something from me and he took it from my place. we talked. he was lying beside me on my bed. he touched my legs. i wasn’t thinking that he wanted to do it, thought he just accidentally touch me. but it went higher and closer. he looked at me and asked. “why its always me that should start?” then he kissed me and had s**. the most hurtful word i heard from him after s** is “you know we’re getting better. i just want to do this, i hope you don’t mind” i felt like a s*** that he just used when he needs to. and for the record. he didn’t want to go back to his girlfriend and asked me to help him not to let him go back if in case he’s having 2nd thought. i gave up. and started telling myself. enough! its too much. love yourself. respect yourself. that will be the last one. but never thought it would really be the last. he came inside me so i took the morning after pill. month after. while working i got dizzy and felt nauseated , i felt tired for no reason. getting mad on small things. i knew theres something wrong, i messaged daddy about what happened and told me to do test, i did. and its positive. he told me to abort it, at first i didn’t want to. but i can’t. i can’t keep my baby. i know i won’t forget this and won’t forgive myself.
same month. i started seeing my ex and we were getting better too. we are okay. but now that this happened.i don’t know how i can’t look at him . i will lie to him for the second time. no one knows what happen, just mommy daddy and the healthcare person. no one. i am sorry baby. i hope you’ll still be the baby that will have when mommy is ready.

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