I ** up my life

I am going through a divorce. I didn’t want to and I did everything for my partner and child and I just don’t want to they both give my life purpose. I blamed them and got mad at them as they are seeing other people and it hurts. I love with them and they act normally and still get naked in front of me and have had ** with me several times after saying they wanted a divorce. I’m all over the place emotionally and had a horrible weekend with it. I expressed this to them and they told me the truth as to why it was all happening. Years ago I received a message from an ex that asked me why I didn’t stop right away one time when we were both teenagers. I panicked and my partner had access to my messages and saw before I did and confronted me about it. I told them that I didn’t stop after the first no because I thought it was part of it and when they cried no a second time I stopped immediately and felt horrible. My partner now says they can’t be with someone who did that. I keep trying to explain it and they are saying I’m making excuses and making about myself. I don’t want to live with the fact that my actions from a decade ago destroyed my marriage. I really didn’t mean to hurt anyone and I know it’s not an excuse because I’ve done one of the worst things you can do to someone ever. It’s all my fault this is happening and I deserve it. I only ever wanted to be good but I don’t even really want to live all that bad anymore except I have to for my son. But I can’t even hardly look at him anymore because I’ve fully realized what I’ve done and he has to live with his father being a monster. I had blocked the conversation out of my head because I couldn’t handle it and now I’m lost.

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