Apathetic About Living
I'm not depressed, happy, or even angry. If anything, I feel tired and worn out.
There's this hollow feeling inside that I can't shake. It's been this way for so many years. I'm unable to recall a time when I've felt truly happy and content. My life isn't awful and I have a wonderful mother who's supported me and kept me going this far.
I hate that my thinking is so selfish, that everything that everyone has ever done for me means so little to me, that what they've done for me will never help me feel better. I'm grateful for everything they've done and more than anything I want to repay my mother for all her sacrifices she's made for me.
The worse part of it all, no one knows that all I really want is to die. They all think I'm this happy, carefree person, who has all these aspirations for my future or starting a family someday. I have no dreams or any will to live a long or fulfilling life.
I'm afraid that all of my confessions will just be a slap in the face to my mother. She doesn't deserve to have such an awful kid who wants to waste all that she's worked so hard to give. I want to die and I will eventually, but I can't bring myself to do it yet. The timing just isn't right, and loose ends still need to be tied up.
When it does come to pass, I just want my mother to understand that I wouldn't have ever been happy.
I just need her to know it's not her fault, that not for one second she was to blame.