Confused on Splitting Finances?

I know finances are a touchy subject in relationships. I feel confused by my situation, and am looking to see if this is the standard. I want to be equals in my relationship. Back when my partner and I were boyfriend/girlfriend, we split everything monthly for bills when I moved in with him. He collected all the receipts from dinners, groceries, utilities, and rent and provided me an invoice monthly to divide payment equally. He is very financially sound. I told him the invoice seemed formal, and I trusted him, but he still continued to email me each month. Now we've become engaged and he purchased a home. I've moved in. He did not want my name on the mortgage as we aren't married. We now split the mortgage, home owners insurance, hoa fees, taxes, and all of the other bills, including groceries, and dinners, etc. He has been doing remodeling to the home, adding new countertops and flooring, upgraded appliances and asked me to split home improvements at 50%. I began to feel odd as I have no ownership of the home. I told him I'd feel more comfortable if my name were added to deed since these are very costly improvements. He said we could discuss it after we are married. We've had a few relationship problems, and he said if we split up, he'd refund me some of the money. He said he only wants to do what's fair and we need to be equals. I've purchased the new washer and dryer and helped paint. He said if I don't split the costs of the flooring, appliances, and other home improvements, he is going to increase my rent to cover the costs. I want to do what's right. He said if I were a renter, the monthly fee would be going up, so I need to pay accordingly. I didn't ask for the improvements and feel odd on a house that is not mine, but again, if this is normal, then I will gladly share in the costs.

Aug 31, 2016

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  • It's nice that he wants everything to be fair and equal, but it's not. It's on his terms. The more you detail what he does, the worse it gets. You want to be with him, get into couples counseling immediately. There are things you guys need to workout. Speak up! Do you give him lists of things to do? Get your name on the deed. Also, agree with the other commenter..just because u make more does not mean you pay more. That is not 50/50. Relationships are about compromise. Just that the examples you have been giving do not sound like you are 100% convinced. Your family cares about you. We all get that love can be blind and you want to believe that his intentions are honest and benefit both of you. But something is very off. You have to present these grievances to him and work it out. Be really clear with what is acceptable to you.

  • Also, just bcz you make more money doesn't mean you have to pay more on the mortgage of a home you don't own! Stop! Run away as fast as you can!

  • Hun, you need your name of that deed. You can pay half of everything in there but if you guys were to be married then he happens to want you gone, he can kick you out at anytime. Stop defending him and demand equal respect. If he refuses then move on.

  • If he really wants everything to be equal, that should include equal share of the home! You can continue to put up with that if you want to, but the fact that you are even questioning this shows that you are aware that this is abnormal behavior and it's an early indication that your union will not last. Find another financially secure man who isn't afraid to spoil the one he loves. It doesn't have to be all about constant lavish extravagances, but everyone deserves a nice gift out of nowhere every once in a while without an invoice attached.

  • I'm the OP. My fiancé does not send me an invoice anymore. That was before we were engaged. Also, we delayed our wedding due to some problems and that is the reason he said he would reimburse me in the future should we split. He is trying to protect himself from any financial issues, and says I need to pull my weight. I also make more than him, and once married, he's stated I need to contribute a higher percentage based on my salary to a joint account. I could have my own separate account with my other earnings. My parents had some financial problems, and he said he doesn't want to end up like them. Also, he does have lists for me to do of chores and things around the home, and would expect equal support raising a child. I believe he has good intentions, and just wants us 100% equal.

  • I dont mean to be cruel but it now sounds like you're making excuses for him. You're not stupid and you know his behaviour is weird.
    If you believe you can live like that then its fine but try to stand up for yourself a little. If your earning more money and putting the most money into things then you have more ownership of it and more to lose. Don't get taken for a ride.
    A list of chores? This makes me worry your heading for a mentally abusive relationship. Don't let him control you by using other peoples relationship problems against you. I want things to work out between you but I also want it to be a happy healthy relationship. Good luck

  • ^Well if that's the case, then not sure why you were so concerned in your original post. Sounds as though you have it all figured out. We don't know him, we are not invested in your relationship, we are just a bunch of people who read these boards and try to help. We see red flags. You don't, or don't want to. At the end of the day, it's your life, it's your relationship. If you think that this is who you want to spend your life with and you're okay with how things are set up, then have at it. Hope it all works out for you.

  • My family and friends have told me it's not normal, and it has caused much tension with them. I appreciate the feedback. I came on here to hear what people truly think because I do I've him, but am confused. I didn't know if something Iike this is big enough to cause as much concern as my family makes of it. I do get defensive because he says he means well, but sometimes it feels so....weird. It is often a scorecard. When we delayed our wedding, I have him his ring back and we had an awkward time. He still charged me rent, Even though I was staying with friends and moving my items into storage. He told me that, like a renter, I still had things in his home and would occasionally stay the night. I was trying to work on our relationship. I cried because i told him he couldn't see how hurtful it is to have our wedding called off, me trying to date him, and he's still charging me. He told me I could deduct my storage fee cost from monthly rent. We've gotten back together, it everything is a checklist now. He gets mad if rent isn't transferred into his account by the 3rd (he asked me to stop writing checks because he doesn't want to cash them, so I do a wire transfer or cash each month). If I'm traveling for work and forget, he gets mad and says he's not my mom, and I would be charged late fees if I were in an apartment. If activities around the house. He says it's not his job to take care of someone and it should be equal weight. With cleaning, planning, and paying. Thanks for all the comments. Hard to hear, but needed.

  • You have every right to be confused. I'd be confused and a little hurt by your fiance with his need to control finances. Now, being responsible with finances is one thing, but he's a little excessive and bordering on controlling. Every couple is different. What works for one couple may not be right for another. It is important for both parties to be aware of finances. But money isn't everything in a relationship, there's also a give and take that has no monetary value. With this guy, I would wait to mix any money into a joint account. And even moving forward, it’s okay to keep your own. Your fiance has a a lot of rules for someone who thinks he's being fair and equal. And you're supposed to go along with that? The talk about your name on the house deed needs to happen prior to any marriage planning. His talk about you being a renter and what you’re paying etc.. I don’t know what the renter laws in your town are, but you may want to look into it to see what a homeowner can charge. Definitely, home repairs and improvements would fall on him, if that’s the arrangement he wants to keep. Everything is not 50/50. And he’s already talking about if you split up what he will agree to pay you back? You need to get this taken care of and figured out right away. And also if you are planning a life together with him, you need to also talk about raising kids and what he's thinking is fair. Will you be changing all of the diapers? or is he going to give you an invoice for that too? It really does sound like a score card is being kept, but your boyfriend is the referee. He wants everything fair, but it's on his terms. Maybe it’s time to take a deeper look at other things in your relationship, because if he's controlling about the finances, what else is he controlling about? As I continue to read your post, I can't get the image of red flags out of my mind and just wonder if you should cut your losses and run.

  • Wtf? I know everyone is different but this seems really messed up! Get out of there! You pay rent to live with the man your going to marry? He sends you invoices on the spending?? That's so wrong! He's not in a relationship with you in my opinion. No idea what that is but it doesn't sound right at all

  • Mam, if you were my daughter I would tell you to run away from this control freak. My wife and I are equals and have been since we lived together and I never sent her an invoice. Your name should be on the deed and mortgage. Way too many red flags. RUN AWAY FROM HIM!!!!

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