Feeling down

I feel constantly down at the moment. I'm usually a very happy and loud person and have been throughout my whole life. I still don't know how I've managed to stay happy this far because I've never had a good relationship with my mum. In fact it's an terrible relationship. I used to dislike her to the point where all I said to her was the minimum amount of words.
Now it's gotten worse. Recently she was screaming (and yes please don't think I'm being over dramatic) at me saying I never help with anything even though I do (Walk my dog, wash up, clean my room etc.). Anyway I started shouting back and she just hit me round the face. For a moment I was shocked and for that split second I hit her back. The car we were in almost crashed and I wish it had... Hopefully killing me.
I know I shouldn't have hit her... I've struggled with my emotions since I was really young and I've always managed to keep my anger under control but it was that one split second was enough. I feel awful and I've started cutting my legs because of it. No one will see my legs that way.
I feel so lonely. My sister has her own problems, with GCSE's and everything so I can't bother her. I can't worry my dad with it because he will try to help but it never does anything.
All I want is to confess this. I'm fourteen by the way. Any comments would be useful. I put this post in other cuz I didn't know where else to put it. I dream of the future but I know I'll be forever alone. I'm ugly, unfit and generally just a horrible person. I hate my mum so much now I cringe every time she touches me. I'm probably being over dramatic now that I think about it but I felt like confessing it because I feel so alone.

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  • It's always good to let someone know how you're feeling. And don't think that what you're feeling is any less important than your sister. Your parents want to know what's going on with you. They can handle it. But they are not mind readers, so you have to tell them even if it feels uncomfortable. Your relationship will change with your parents (It will improve). You're at this age where finding your independence is really important. And they may say things sometimes that seem mean or not understanding..just remember they are human. But your depression is cause for concern. Again..it can have something to do with your age (I'm sorry, I don't see if you mentioned if you were a boy or a girl)..but regardless hormones can play with your emotions and moods. If certain things like exercise and diet can't help to improve your moods, speak with your doctor or even ask to speak with a therapist and definitely don't cut. There are better and more productive ways to express yourself.

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