I raised her and now i hate her

I'm glad I'm not alone on this! I can't stand my 19 year old step daughter. My mother in law took it upon herself to one day after 6 months of dating my husband that she wanted to dump her off on me and that's exactly what she did. My husband and I took her in and I soon found out she was molested by her own grandfather and not one person stopped it. Well I put a end to it and kept her away from them people. So during this time stepdaughter who was 7 continual lied , hit herself and did inappropriate things. I got her counseling and into programs. It didn't help so I resorted to teaching her right from wrong and during the entire process all she did was lie and manipulate my husband myself and anybody else she could. I couldn't take her behavior through the years and I ended up screaming and yelling and cursing at her and my husband. Fast forward now to grades 9/12th it just got worse and the lies more bigger. I really tried to help her I even got her into a community college. well no surprise she failed 2 classes and lied bout it. Now during the 12 years I took care of her we fought daily.It's getting worse as time goes on and anything i told her well I was accused of putting her down or I was so mean . But if she wanted something then oh I was the one she went to. She constantly lied to my face on a daily basis. I could not trust or believe anything that came out of her mouth. I could imagine what horrible things she's says about me. It now came down to her getting to boot 2X and I can't and will not put up with the daily lying. I love my husband and I took care of her for him and cause I felt bad for her but this compulsive lying I just can't take it anymore. . Now I'm not saying I'm innocent cause yea I cursed her butt out and said hurtful things I shouldn't have. But after 12 years of constant lying and refusing to go to counseling or even excepting the fact that her compulsive lying is an issue well I'm cutting ties with her. It's just to much anymore. I guess I fell guilty because I love my husband so much. Am I wrong for not ever wanting to deal with her ever again? Am I the one in the wrong? Or is this just her manipulating me /us as usual????

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  • I'd probably be the EXACT same way. She needs to learn that compulsively lying has consequences in relationships. You can't trust a word she says. Tell her it isn't personal, really. Tell her you love her and hope the very best for her. Tell her that you understand that you only have control over your own behavior- not hers as she is an adult now. Tell her you are unwilling to be in a close relationship with someone who lies to you and tries to manipulate you. Tell her you will see her around, at family visits, etc. Finally, tell her that you have confidence that someday she will get the help she needs to overcome her dishonesty. Tell her she may discover she wants to live an authentic life. You will be so relieved not to end things will a shouting match and a blame-a-thon. Be very matter of fact. You have made a painful but necessary decision. You can no longer be an active or intimate person in her life. You are protecting yourself as any same person would. Give her a hug and get on with your life. If you are around her, say hello and be polite. But that is it. You no longer need to be angry or resentful. Things have changed.

  • Well I was wanting some advise on the situation and apparently there are only trolls on here.

  • U need a rest hav a holiday meet a stallion get f***** stop worrying

  • Definitely a frustrating situation. Because you do care for this child and it's probably pretty painful to watch her self-destruct. And counseling seems like it would be very helpful if she would go. I don't know if it's wrong, but it is sad. But at the same time, this girl is 19 .how is she going to navigate this world if continue to baby her? Does she have other things happening like a drug problem or mental illness? What is normal rebellion for some one her age and normal rebellion for someone who endured molestation? It's almost as if she's constantly testing you. Where is her mother? Does she have any contact? What about her father? Just because she lives in the same house does not mean they have a good relationship? And although you sound like you've done a lot for her, you also yelled at her....so just wondering where you fit in her mind. And you say you taught her right and wrong.. but again were you capable of really dealing with a child with emotional and physical scars? What you have now is a 19 year old angry woman. What needs to happen though may be for her to realize that in order for her to have a happy life and thrive, she needs to be on her own. If she is not going to school, she needs to be working. Since she is an adult the rules are changing and let her know what is expected of her. You also need to talk to her and apologize for yelling and screaming at her. Be the bigger person. And tell her how you would like your relationship to be with her. I'm sure you would like to spend quality time with the person you know she could be. None of these changes will happen overnight, but they may help change what's not working. Because whatever you guys are doing now, is not working.

  • Whoever you are thank you for responding to OP with such kindness and advice. As for OP, I know it's frustrating but please don't hate the child. She was molested. It had to be a traumatic situation for her. All of you need to go to counselling ASAP, just like the person I replied to suggested.

  • I have apologized several times. Her biological mother doesn't want anything to do with her. I'm not saying that out of the blue I yelled and cursed at her. After I caught her taking nude pictures at age 17 yes I blew my top. I can't and will not allow her to think sending nude pictures to strangers is okay . I also will not allow her to think hitting me and stealing from me is okay either. I'm confused I guess cause what parent would allow that behavior and keep cool about the lies and manipulation?
    Thanks for advise though

  • Sometimes the posts need help filling in information, thanks for doing that. Have you gone to a therapist yourself to see if they can give you guidance? No parent wants to put up with it, but they do and maybe that's wrong because it enables their bad behavior... You are mad at her because you care and righfully so. It's good that you don't let her get away with crap. It just sounds like she's dealing (and not very productively) with a bunch of issues.. abandonment, molestation. Do you know if she was ever molested again? Or is she a drug user? promiscuous? I do think you need to give her a bottom line and change up the rules on her. See if that helps her a bit. Phone? Car? Place to live? If she's not following your rules, she loses those things. She's 19 and not wanting to go to school.. she's going to have to get a job. She's an adult child. You could call the cops the next time she hits or steals. But it may just add to her problems even more negatively and may not be the best course of action. But at some point, she has to want to help herself.

  • She was never molested again because I stopped her from going around her grandfather after I found out it was him. I've talked with a therapist and I've tried what they have told me. She refuses to go to therapy or even acknowledge she had any issues. This is second time I've thrown her out. I'm exhausted and can't take anymore of this between her and I.

  • F*** you

  • F*** you right back

  • You can barely speak English coherently and someone entrusted a child with emotional issues to your care? What a sad world we live in.

  • Even more sad that your a troll on here

  • You're* and I am not.

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