I havent found anyone with my parent problems
I hate being a father and the situation my wife put me in.
Before anyone has that shocked reaction I can see in my head...a little back story.
My wife and I have been together for 8 years and I can't have kids. EVER. I was okay with that. There was a time when I humored my wife and used a donor. That never worked either so we decided no kids. Until one day she wanted kids again and I said very seriously "I really don't want kids and I know you, don't think it's cute and try by yourself because I'm not kidding"
2 weeks later, guess what she did while I was at work? Did an at home insemination. 3ish weeks after that she told me she was pregnant and I freaked out and not in a good way. But because I am her husband, I took responsibility for him.
Now, Idk what I was thinking. He's almost 5 months old and I just find myself angry and daydreaming my life away. The only thing her and everyone seems to see is this super great father but it's all an act. This isn't what I wished for us or myself. I'm 26, I wasn't done finding myself nor are we financially where we should be to have a family and now all we do seems to be a giant struggle with finances.
What s**** on this the most is that I wasn't even involved in his conception. I feel no bond. No connection. I love him and he's f****** adorable but I'm second guessing myself how much I care? I've never felt so conflicted before and never felt this alone. I tried to tell my wife and she just got all weird about it and posting about it on all her mommy groups, which was zero f****** help because they aren't dads and don't f****** get it.
Sometimes he just doesn't f****** stop crying when my wife is at work and I have to put him in one of his many baby contraptions and hide on the stairs to calm down. Is it like that for everyone?
I just have no answers and no where I can look for advice or guidance on this and I feel...well not here and about to snap and/or run away to make a new life.
I know I won't because my dad left me when I was 4 and I never want to do that to my son but I'm f****** drowning and the more I fall out of love with my wife the more my skins crawls. She's a great woman and my best friend but I can't get over what she's done to my life. I am having a hard time getting past it.
I hate this whining. I really don't ever whine like this. I'm a bottler but my bottle has been shaken too much so I needed to tell someone or something. Thanks.