I havent found anyone with my parent problems

I hate being a father and the situation my wife put me in.
Before anyone has that shocked reaction I can see in my head...a little back story.
My wife and I have been together for 8 years and I can't have kids. EVER. I was okay with that. There was a time when I humored my wife and used a donor. That never worked either so we decided no kids. Until one day she wanted kids again and I said very seriously "I really don't want kids and I know you, don't think it's cute and try by yourself because I'm not kidding"
2 weeks later, guess what she did while I was at work? Did an at home insemination. 3ish weeks after that she told me she was pregnant and I freaked out and not in a good way. But because I am her husband, I took responsibility for him.
Now, Idk what I was thinking. He's almost 5 months old and I just find myself angry and daydreaming my life away. The only thing her and everyone seems to see is this super great father but it's all an act. This isn't what I wished for us or myself. I'm 26, I wasn't done finding myself nor are we financially where we should be to have a family and now all we do seems to be a giant struggle with finances.
What s**** on this the most is that I wasn't even involved in his conception. I feel no bond. No connection. I love him and he's f****** adorable but I'm second guessing myself how much I care? I've never felt so conflicted before and never felt this alone. I tried to tell my wife and she just got all weird about it and posting about it on all her mommy groups, which was zero f****** help because they aren't dads and don't f****** get it.
Sometimes he just doesn't f****** stop crying when my wife is at work and I have to put him in one of his many baby contraptions and hide on the stairs to calm down. Is it like that for everyone?

I just have no answers and no where I can look for advice or guidance on this and I feel...well not here and about to snap and/or run away to make a new life.
I know I won't because my dad left me when I was 4 and I never want to do that to my son but I'm f****** drowning and the more I fall out of love with my wife the more my skins crawls. She's a great woman and my best friend but I can't get over what she's done to my life. I am having a hard time getting past it.

I hate this whining. I really don't ever whine like this. I'm a bottler but my bottle has been shaken too much so I needed to tell someone or something. Thanks.

Nov 1, 2016

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  • I will never understand how people can be so casual about creating another life for selfish and short-sighted reasons. The worst part is that they are so persistently delusional and immature about it! Yeah, that kind of person is going to be a GREAT guide for a vulnerable young human being.

  • At this point, what is done is done. If you still love your wife and want to make this work, then you need to change your mindset. What kind of things can you do to make yourself feel more like a Dad? Remember, it is not this child's fault! Can you take him to the park? Join a local father's group? Spend time with him even when you don't have to care for him? Tell yourself that I am going to be the best Dad to this kid because he won't ever have another. Make it your mission to be that! I think you will find that you will love this child and feel like he IS your son! Good luck!

  • What you said really woke me up. You're right. I do all these things I'm supposed to but I do need to step it up on spending time with him even when I don't have to. He shouldn't have to suffer because his mother has poor decision making skills. He is my son and I'm not going anywhere no matter what happens between my wife and I. Thank you for the perspective. -OP

  • Sooo many stupid people think having a kid will fix their problems really unfair to the kid

  • You are more fortunate than a girl I know from Denmark. She wanted to be inseminated by an accomplished donor both scholastically and athletically and she got the insemination but later to her horror she discovered she had been inseminated by her own brother,s sperm.

  • Holy s*** that is unfortunate

  • Bro! Leave her....she f****** betrayed you she is f****** selfish. Leave them I'm telling you how much you try you cant love that baby from heart he is not your baby. Its hard...let your wife to be with who she get pregnant with and go out enjoy your life.
    My opinion is different then others because I don't like selfish and cheaters.

  • This was such a huge betrayal of trust, sorry to say but your wife is a self centered b**** . She didn't consider your feelings on the matter at all and didn't think about the child either. What if you just walked, which I would have done by the way, was she prepared to raise him by herself without any financial support from you? She took it upon herself to make a life altering choice for you and that's just wrong. My advise is get out now, you will only grow to hate them both and be miserable .

  • You have to find a comfort zone with your child. I know it's hard. Play music to calm you both, watch Disney movies, (not the wiggles - they will make you mad lol). Your wife was wrong. You can't change it. Someday when your old, you'll be glad you have your son to help you. Your son needs you to love him and pay attention to him. I pray you find peace with this. Go to the library and read the purpose driven life.

  • I'll look it up. Thanks.
    You're right though, I can't walk away from him. Never will. -OP

  • All i can say is your not alone Im married for 18 years and I have two kids and to this day I still believe that this life chose me because there was no way I chose it .. I let religion and what I thought was the right thing to do, choose my fate. As far as my marriage choice because I didn't know what I was truly getting myself into .. i was pressured into marrying because I knocked her up when actually she "forgot" to take the pill . when I married I tried to have it anuled but we got into such a big fight i decided to "do the right thing" and "tough it out" .. So through the years Im living out the wife & kids dream and all I know is paying bills,
    drama, routine boring ass s**, going to work & coming home .. We have gotten into physical fights and other deep drama & to this day I still regret "working things out" because I get sick of this routine and this image to uphold .. Behind closed doors, like when I get to have time to myself
    with friends i'm an animal & let me tell ya booze, babes and bud is my only remedy and escapes to help me cope .. thats what it is Op you just have to find a way to cope with your reality ..

  • Seems like I'm on that path. All I seem to repeat to myself is "I don't want to just get by. I want to live!"
    I haven't haven't wondered to the babes part yet purely because I'm so stubborn with loyalty but let's just say it's been a long year...
    But I get what you mean.

  • You are a better man than me, If I told my wife I didn't want children and knew I couldn't have children ,she would have been gone if she got pregnant .That is a huge responsibility to put on someone especially when they made t clear they didn't want that responsibility. How can you ever trust her again? All that is going to come from this is resentment for both her and the child. One question, What is an at home insemination? Did she just f*** someone? Just curious.

  • Basically you purchase from a sperm bank and do it yourself with the help of really expensive postage to get it quick or hand pick someone to come c** in a cup and syringes it into your wife that's waiting in the other room. No r going physical. Well s***. Maybe they f***** and that's how it worked this time? Who knows at this point. -OP

  • Sounds like your a bit depressed. Don't blame you. See a doctor?

  • Great to blow off steam.
    Maybe try to find a confidant to have a beer and a chat with.

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