Realized too late
I suppose I am writing to this as a last plea for help, as I am torn and cannot share my secret with anyone.
I've been with my fiancé for almost six years. Initially, our relationship developed very quickly with me moving into his house after he suffered an accident that left his temporarily disabled. My fiancé lives with me and his father, and the dynamic works well for us. However, his father (at times) can be difficult to be around given his narasisstic personality. After my fiances accident, I waited for him to enter the workforce. He claimed he could not work due to his disability and was waiting to settle with his workman comp case. Patiently, I waited for my fiancé to become productive, get a job or return to school in a field of interest for him. To this day, this has not happened. We've questioned our relationship and whether we want to continue. I have asked him to think about counseling to address issues from his childhood with his father that has suppressed his ability to move forward in life. My hopes are to get married, buy a home and live a simple happy life together. However, I am constantly reminded that he has no initiative or drive to leave his comfort zone to start an independent life with me. Currently, I'm the only one working and it is much of my income that sustains our lifestyle. He spends most of days at home, scrolling through his cell phone looking at god knows what. I cannot understand this lifestyle, as I am very active and spin at the idea of staying home more then a day.
This is where it gets complicated... I met my fiancé through his cousin, my best friend. Her brother has always been attractive to me, but I never had an attraction to him that would impede on my relationship with my fiancé. We share many commonalities and many people joke that we are the same person, given that we share the same birthday. Over the last year, my fiancé and I have been in a sexual dry spell. For me, this didn't matter much as I am not an overly sexual person who needs physical initimacy to confirm my relationship. However, I do love affection and I guess that is what I missed the most. During this time, I've began to notice some flirting with his cousin on both ends. Although we are very close due to my relationship with my fiancé and his sister, there was always this unspoken attraction for one another, as if we both knew we were meant to be instead. I've always been able to open up to him, to tell him about the issues with my fiancé. He's always been there for me and I for him. Through these conversations, I think we both realized (without saying it) that we are on the same page with what we want in life. This past September, we were enjoying an evening at the house with my fiancé and his sister. Drinks were poured and longing for affection, I started holding him almost as if I was giving him a side hug. He put his arm around me and I just sank into his arms. Of course, this happened when no one else was around. During that same night, he grabbed my hand and started holding it while I looked into his eyes. Nothing happened that night, but we talked about it and we were both on the same page with what might of happened if no one was around. Tempting the fate, we made plans to hang out at his house secretly. During the night, we just laughed, watched movies and laid side-by-side comfortably. That is until we started holding each other and kissing which eventually led to s**. We both felt terrible the next day and I couldn't even look my fiancé in the face when I returned home. We talked about whether we wanted to continue or stop, something we were both so torn on. Neither one of us felt good about the situation by any means, but reluctantly, we decided to have one more night together to solve our sexual frustrations and never do it again. We got a hotel room, and spent the entire night holding each other, watching movies and having s**. Although we decided this would be the last time, I felt something so strong for him during those intimate moments. A part of me wished I would of initiated a relationship with him, and partly I feel that he feels the same way. We just know that it could never be given the family and my fiancé. Every time we see each other, we know of our connection and end up secretly exchanging kisses or late night hugs in bed. I miss him when he's not here, I often wonder what things would be like with him. My fiancé has shared that he's afraid of getting married due to experiences with relationships in the past, nor does he want children. I don't know if I should tell his cousin how I feel about him, or I should end it and try to repair to move forward from my fiancé. I know this is a terrible story, and even I constantly feel like a piece of trash for letting this happen. I guess I can't help how I feel inside.