Nasty adult stepdaughter who lives with Dad

I'm divorced and in my 40's, no kids and financially successful. Met the love of my life who was separated for 3+years when we started dating. Two kids live with him, 20&25. Mother is non-participant in their lives, makes zero effort. We waited almost two years before I met them to get through divorce proceedings. They knew nothing about me. Once the divorce was done, I met the kids. Youngest was great. Oldest was nasty - hated me on sight - treated me like I wasn't there, snarky when I asked her questions, mouthy and caustic know it all, tried to one-up me or knock down anything I showed interest in. When she was confronted by dad after, said nothing was wrong and was ok with him dating. He tried to get her to talk but she was passive aggressive, like her mother. Very angry girl. After a few months, she constantly snubbed me and continued to act like a spoiled brat. She then proceeded to get in a fight with her dad, which took up a good part of a day. He has told her she'll behave respectfully or can get out. A lot of the dialogue sounds like it came from her mother. I love him to pieces and won't leave him but am concerned about her trying to ruin our relationship by creating lies or sabatoging. I won't live with her when that time comes. The youngest is fine with me and we get along. She is very sweet and hates her sister. A lot of the stories I've read online make me nervous. And I'm worried about how much I will take because I have a low tolerance for abuse from anyone. Life is too short. Crossing my fingers the threat of her having to leave will straighten her attitude out but she is stubborn and willful and vengeful. Dads often cave in. Thanks for reading.

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  • Do you know why she hates you? It's because you don't BELONG IN HER FAMILY. Her father is divorced, but he belongs with her mother, and the daughter KNOWS this.

    You stupid homewrecker b****. I have zero sympathy for scum like you.

  • It sounds like you are angry and very over dramatic, maybe dealing with your parents divorce? Or you are a bitter ex lashing out because of your own life situation. I feel so sorry for you. By the way, I think I would definitely qualify as a homewrecker if I caused the marriage to break up but it was over, they were physically separated way before I came along and neither wanted to reunite. Walking into a situation like this is hard but he and his children are worth it. Funny enough, I get along with the daughter great now so your theory is blown. Not everyone thinks the worst like you clearly do.

    I'm not looking for sympathy from anyone and not entirely sure why being with a divorced man makes me scum. I would have to say taking the time leaving a nasty, immature message for a stranger makes you scum. Just saying. I hope you get help soon for your own sake.

  • There is nothing that says she has to like you, it would be nice but it may take time. But she should be respectful and polite to you. And at 25, she should definitely know better. But to say that she needs to accept you or else is a little over the top. Because she doesn't. She's not dating you. It's sort of interesting that you and her father dated for two years and then all of a sudden he brings you around. That has to be tough. You have an established relationship with her father and all of a sudden it's not someone he just met. It's a serious relationship and she's expected to accept. Even if her father and his exwife fought all the time, you really only know his side of the story. You will never know his ex wife's side of the story. So of course you're going to think his exwife is bitter and passive aggressive and have nothing nice to say. But his children (no matter how old) most likely want their parents to still be together. Change is hard. Even if you know your parents don't get a long, it's hard to see your parents with someone else. You do have a good attitude about this situation. Just trying to give a little perspective. The girl could just hate the world in general. Continue to keep an open mind and be nice and not stoop to her level. For now, be pleasant and just have minimal interaction with her. She's most likely needs time to get used to the idea.She will come around. I agree, at 25 she should want to be moving in to her own place if she can afford it. And maybe her father can help lead her in that direction.

  • Thank you for your comments. There were reasons it took that much time and we wanted to be really sure about each other before introducing me to them. This is a big change for me too and wanted to make sure it was what I wanted. The relationship was not their business, we are the adults. They knew he was dating. He prepped them for a few years at least about both him and his ex moving on and not being alone forever through many conversations. I am a child of divorce and a divorcee so not oblivious. My brother had a hard time with my mother moving on, I just wanted everyone happy so didn't make waves. Don't expect to welcomed with open arms or even liked but being respected, I do, because I didn't cause the situation and do have feelings too. I believe her feelings are the effects of her mothers sabatoge. And yes, I know there are two sides but I've heard it from friends. He doesn't exaggerate. I'm letting him deal with them and see what happens. He's doing a good job although I know the silent treatment, angry outbursts, temper tantrums, recklessness and poor me act his daughter does can wear anyone down. Very spoiled. I want to like, even love her, but am just appalled that a 25 yr old acts like this. I had my own business and house at that age. I hope she finds her own place and pays her own bills because she needs to grow up. I'm staying positive and trying to give her time to at least get to know me. She refuses. So, I'll be neutral for now. There is no glory in being a martyr. Her sister, on the other hand, Is great. She is making an effort, which I appreciate. I hope it continues :)

  • I hope you die. Painfully.

  • I will never date another woman who has children living at home. It sounds selfish but they can and often do make your life a living h***. I once dated a woman who eventually along with her two daughters moved in with me. Her youngest was a tomboy and we just clicked got along great. Her 14 year old was a nightmare ! I never thought I could hate a child but oh my god she pushed me to my limits. The final straw was when one afternoon my girlfriend wasn't feeling well, the oldest daughter came in telling me we had to go pick up one of her friends so she could stay over. I was working on a proposal for a job and told her she would have to wait. She demanded we go now, I told her to call her friend and tell her she wasn't come over this weekend and she could just go to her room. She responded by say" look a****** go pick her up or I will tell my mother you have been sneaking into my room at night and touching me, who do you think she will believe ?" The only thing that saved her life that day was the fact her mother was out of bed standing right by the door to my office and had just heard the whole conversation, because honestly I was ready to kill her. I told my girlfriend that day they needed to find a new place to live I wasn't going to have a 14 year old girl destroy my life. It was heartbreaking having to end my relationship with the mother and the youngest daughter but if I never saw the older one again in my life time it would be too soon.

    Good luck to you ,but I doubt it will get any better chances are it will only get much worse.

  • You are in a really tough spot. She obviously has problems with other women coming in to her home. It could be a protective devise she puts up so as not to get close to you in fear you will hurt her or it could be she is afraid she will be pushed out , forced to move on and become an adult. No matter what the reason she can cause lots of grief in your relationship so you have to figure out just how much time you want to invest in this relationship before you move on. If her father has been ok with her living there this long I would be hard pressed to think he will toss her out now.

  • He is already told her that she can accept it or move with her mother. I think it's important to be very clear about not accepting bad behavior right from the beginning or it will continue throughout the whole relationship. It's her choice if she wants to give it a try or not, I'm not gonna force myself on her. But I'm also not letting somebody dictate my happiness, especially somebody who I believe should be out on their own at this age. We are just going to continue what we're doing and she'll have to live with it or go be with her bitter mother. I'm so sorry to hear about your bad experience. I read a lot in these for him and I'm not going to be putting up with any baloney from any kids. If they want to except me I will treat them amazing if they don't not my problem. I didn't create the situation.

  • Yes, you DID create the situation you self-righteous b****. Get the f*** out of that family, YOU don't belong there. F****** stupid trifling b****, no wonder you're divorced with no kids.

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