I hate myself and feel ashamed for what I am

Alright, here goes nothing...

I'm 23 (will be turning 24 in a month) and I feel heavily attracted to teenage girls.

It all started when I was very young, like 16yo or something like that. I would get involved with girls way younger than me. Girls who were older than me never caught my attention that much and that was when I realized there was something wrong in my head. But it felt okay to me since I was pretty young back then.

As the years went by I kept dating girls as young as 14 (the age of consent is 14 in my country, so I didn't do anything illegal, although it was damn wrong) until I realized I had to seek for professional help. I tried to talk to psychologists, psychiatrists and neurologists for years but none of them could help me in any way, except they would always prescript me some odd and aggressive drugs to help keeping this young pedophile's desires in place for a while. None of that helped, it only made me become the dark, depressed and self hating person that I am now.

But the story doesnt end here... When I was 21, I've experienced some huge financial problems, and since I am a physics student, I thought "h***, why don't you try and become a teacher for a while?". And so did I become a maths and physics teacher at a local high school. Worst mistake ever. I was now surrounded by underage girls who would even fight to get my attention (I used to be a really cute guy a few years ago). They were always trying to hit me saying things like "you're the cutest teacher ever" or "are you single teacher?" And suddenly it all became one f****** nightmare. I recall the days when I would get home after work and started to m********* FOR HOURS thinking about all of those beautiful teenagers in their uniforms staring at me with their heavenly innocent looking faces. I would cry a lot after masturbating for I was feeling tempted, dirty, guilty, but I just couldn't help myself. I loved the way they were always at my feet begging for me to give them some attention.

One day, after my grandma died, I decided to quit the job since my financial troubles were gone and my dad started to earn a nice amount of money so he would send me a change in order to help me out. I was doing pretty fine until this 15yo girl suddenly came into my life. We've engaged in a secret relationship which lasted nine months, then we broke up because I was starting to act a bit crazy. That was the point when it all started to fade away for me. I missed that girl so much I couldn't even go out with my friends anymore. I was suddenly hit by a depressive state from which I cannot let myself free. I lost half of my hair, gained 15kg and became a very isolated person. I feel disgusted by what I look, from inside to outside. I've tried dating older girls but I just can't get emotionally involded with them. Also the only way I can get aroused is when they let me beat them, torture them and make them cry. I feel like a sadistic monster who feeds itself with hatred and pain. I am ugly now, I am sad and I've got no hope for my future.

The thing is, I still gaze at pretty teenage girls and feel heavily aroused by them but I no longer want to be a victim of my own sexuality. I can't reach half of the climax I had with those teenagers when I'm hanging out with girls my age, even though I do my best to. So here I am now, desperate ir a cure to this abnornal state that I'm in. I wish I could feel love for a girl the same age as me, I wish wouldn't engage in any sadistic sexual intercourseas a desperate attempt to please myself when dating girls as old as me, I wish I was a f****** regular person who wouldn't steal his 13yo cousin's underwear to j*** off while sniffing them (yes, I do it. If I get caught someday, I think I'll be screwed)
I just want to be able to love someone without feeling guilty.

In fact, I want to kill myself because I can't live any longer like that. Do not judge me because I myself have done it uncountable times and I know exactly how society sees people like me. I just need a relief from the pain of being myself. I need help, and not those disgusting medications who make me feel even worse, I need help, and not those people calling me a this or that. I just wanna f****** die, that's it.

Thanks for your attention, I hope you won't get too scared after reading all of this. That's just my life and how I cope with it in an unhealthy way.

One more thing, I would neve encourage anyone to abuse minors because I know exactly how it feels to be abused when you're a kid.

8 Comments

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  • Bless you fella. I am in my 40's and although I some time j******* while thinking about little girls I try to minimise this behaviour and it has only been fantasy. I have the desire but control the potential behaviour. The first step for me was accept what I was and secondly work out how to control it. I wish I could hold you and guide you. Good luck.

  • My heart breaks for you.

  • I'm 17 and don't mind older guys... :)

  • Bless you for sharing this. I wish I could reach out and help you for real. definately do not become isolated. keep up with frinds and family and please get some more help, or therapy do deal with your thoughts. people in our society can be very judgemental about stuff like this. I do not hate you. I am not disgusted by you. If I knew you I would become your close friend and try to help you.

  • I agree

  • I think you should try going to a support group. There you will find people very similar to you and you can share your troubles to them. My mother joined a support group to help quit smoking and it worked! I think if you talk to them about your pedophile desires and your thoughts of suicide they can help you get through it. In my opinion, it's better than going to see one therapist. You get to make connections with people and they almost become family to you. I really do hope that you start to feel better. I believe that you can do it! :)

  • Just f*** women your age, Asian chicks. Or women who look younger. Problem solved or else you're going to jail, buddy. Dumb move on teaching high schoolers you should prob never do that again.

  • And don't stop going to therapy.

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