I think my life has been sabotaged
I don't know exactly how else to put this, but I think my parents sabotaged my life and I don't know how to fix it. I'm nineteen, now, and will be turning twenty in three months, but I feel like I'm waaay behind where I'm supposed to be. It all started the summer before I entered third grade, when my parents became religious anti-vaxxer nuts. They'd always been heavily into Christianity, speaking in tongues, living in their closets to pray and fast for days and raisingy siblings and i to strictly follow the Bible, but that summer they became conspiracy theorists and decided to "homeschool" all of us as well. The problem withy parents homeschooling me abd my siblings is that they hardly ever taught us ANYTHING. They pretty much just kept us at home to clean the house everyday, read the Bible, and watch videos of fetuses getting aborted so we (especially me, being that I was the oldest daughter who my dad decided he would raise to be the shining beacon of purity, so I was supposed to be the role model fir my other sisters)would never have s** before marriage. I used to be an excellent student when I went to public school being that I was studious and well mannered, the teachers were planning to send me to tye gifted program once I entered third grade, but that never happened due to being homeschooled. My mom was a huge b**** growing up, too, abd would keep popping out babies because of some "family prophecy" about us becoming a mighty army of God. She also told us that the reason SHE doesn't have to do any housework is because she has eleven children to do it for her. Anytime my mom didn't get yet way, she called me s***/w****, and would sic my dad onto me and my siblings. Once he beat all of us with a pvc pipe because my mom lied ajd told him we weren't mopping the floors. Another time, I got so fed up with her being mean that I yelled back at her and she backhanded me four times across my face that the lower half of my face felt like it would tear off (my jaw still gets stiff and pops to this day, because of that). Then she lied to my dad when he came home and told him that I told her to "Blow herself". Throughout my childhood, my parents told me that I wasn't allowed to flirt, date, move out, have s**, or go to college until I was married and that I couldn't get married until I knew how to cook, clean, sew, and mind children. I taught myself how to do ALL of these things INCLUDING garden and crochet, and now my dad moved the goalposts again saying that I need to learn to manage finances, have good credit, hace my own business, know self defense, how to sharpen swords and knives, make bullets, know how to make soap and medicine, weave baskets, make my own yarn and thread and weave my own fabric, hasic house and car repairs, take a barber class, etc. (My dad wrote all of this out on a list, and none of what I'm saying is hyperbole). My parents became so nutty that all of our extended family ostracized us after I entered fifty grade, and my aunt who still did occasionally associate herself with us passed away when I was thirteen, so now I know NO ONE outside of my immediate family, being that I haven't had a friend or been allowed to make any friends since the last time I was in public school. All of my clothes are ugly square shaped ankle length dresses fringe along the border with boots, abd a nun-style head veil. I've never worn or been allowed to wear makeup, nail polish, or tinted Chapstick in my life and I feel so ugly. My dad doesn't let me sit in the front porch alone without him or my mom because he thinks a man will try to talk to me and I'll stray from God. Sometimes I can't even be in the backyard because our neighbors are bachelor's and sometimes they're out drinking beer in their yard. My parents get mad at each other backa lot and instead of
talking to each other about it, they vent all of their problems out to me; my dad even accidentally referred to me by my mom's name once, and seceral times referred to me as his woman (and tyen tried to play it off as meaning "one of his adult daughters). It's weird as f***, especially since his newest favorite saying is "you are not your own". My parents never taught me how to drive, and I wasn't even allowed to have a job until just this year after I promised my dad that I wouldn't let any boys talk to me. After that I got a full-time job working as a stocker-girl at Wal-Mart, but all of my money went to groceries and bills, and spotting my parents and older brotger money when they asked for it, so I have no money. This April, my mom wanted me to pick up an second job, for more money, and she kept pestering me about applications multiple times a day. I finally asked her to mind her business and then went upstairs to do laundry. My dad followed me upstairs, pushed me on a my baby sister's bed where I hit my head, and then beat me until I screamed, bled, had bruises and welts for months from my arms and waist in down, and he and my mom joke about it lightheartedly now, as if it's some necessary evil they had to do to lay their hands on me. Last month my parents told me to quit my job at Walmart because they started a business so I don't have to leave the house anymore. I wanna go to college so badly, but I'm not married or "elligible" for marriage yet, abd I can't just run away, because I have no savings, I don't know how to drive, and I can't get a scholarship because I'm too stupid, now and can't afford a tutor. I'm currently trying to study, but catching up is really hard for me (I'm not giving up, though) abd I don't know how to fix any of it.