I messed up really badly and hurt many people.

I was married. Not happy with my wife who cheated on me. We had three children and after 20 years I met a lovely lady at work. I feel for her hard. I told my wife that I was falling in love with her. Then I moved out and after a short time I was living with my new love. I was supposed to get a divorce and we were going to get married. But things went wrong from there. My knew love pushed back at times. She was hurting from a previous relationship. I was confused so I just didn't pursue finishing what I started and getting a divorce.

I told her I was divorced and continued to live with her off and on. We fought like cats and dogs and said horrible things to one another. I wanted to leave and get out. But I kept going back and forth to her. I was so in love with her. When I was with her we had some wonderful times. But others I felt so totally alone. She could be so cold and made me feel badly. I didn't understand that thing we call baggage. Things we bring from our relationships. I began to drink and take prescription pain killers my Drs. gave me.

I really wanted to die. My wife wanted me to come home. But when I did I was thinking of only my love. I tried to kill the pain I was feeling. My love would always come to me and want to work things out. I thought if there was just a chance a slim chance. She was like a drug to me. We went to counseling together and things would be ok for a time but sooner or later some issue would come up that would make things go badly. I eventually got her in the family way. She decided at first to keep our child. Then she changed her mind. I wanted to tell her no and take her home.

But she terminated our child. I wanted to die. I felt so dead inside. I began drinking more and more. I hid my drinking cause I knew it upset her. One day we had a rather nasty fight. But I kept my promise and I didn't fight back I just wanted to leave. I got in my car to leave and she stood in front of me. She blocked me from leaving. It was crazy. I knew things couldn't go on this way. I had abandoned my children to be with her. My fault! They hated me. I didn't blame them.

One day after a fight I left to be alone. I stopped and picked up some liquor then I was driving faster and faster. Crying holding the bottle and taking a long swig. Thinking of the mess I made. Thinking about my kids. Thinking about her and doing over 140 mph when I left the road. I woke up looking at the sky. I had broken my back and shattered a vertebrae . I wouldn't walk again. But I think I had set out to die. I couldn't stand living anymore.

She wanted to be with me. I didn't want anyone. I just wanted to be alone and wallow in my self pity. She wouldn't let me do that though. She stayed with me and wouldn't let me push her away. She even wanted to be with me finding out I was still married. Things had to change. But she loved me no matter what. A love that just wouldn't end. I think I'm a burden to her but she won't hear of it. She gives so unselfishly to me. I don't deserve her love but she does so.

Jul 9, 2019

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  • You're right. You DON'T deserve her.

  • Sorry to hear. Love is so painful.

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