Broke in Life and Torn in Heart
I have an anxiety disorder from the last 3+ months since I lost an internship. Also, I'm broke I have no money, my parents are paying for my college tuition who themselves are broke. I am living in a faraway country with no work. But hitting Rock bottom was not the issue that has caused my anxiety, it was my best friend whom I had a secret crush on (never told and never made any advances too). I trusted very much but she ghosted me at this time. I expected her to at least be with me through my tough time since she had just got one internship and was happy in her life. It shocked me cause she is usually very empathetic and very loving.
I tried to ask her what the issue was, She said she didn't want negativity in life!? She added that she doesn't want to discuss what the issue was, to quote "Let it stay under the Rug." and that I was acting weird by asking her what the issue was?
Yeah, I agree I'm a bit weird about my theories in Life but her abruptness was what startled me, I have been the same ever since just going through a tough time. Also, she has been telling people that I am mentally harassing her.
Ever since I got to know this I am in deep pain and having anxious sleepless nights and always thinking of what I've done!?
I understand women are more complicated but this was something else. I had started drinking all day cause of this guilt trip. I know my steps were extreme but I couldn't sleep without being drunk otherwise I had this constant anxiety. I was having nightmares almost every night. COVID has made it worse. I had wrecked my career because of this.
About 2 weeks back, I got a reply finally. After requesting her to please meet me and explain to me what the issue is. As usual, I was drunk when I reached there. She said I am bipolar for which to an extent I agree. I am in a love-hate with her since she ghosted me. She also said to me that contacting her is "Mental Harassment" even though I had not contacted her apart from a few times. She said our relationship was the most toxic she's had to which I just was shell shocked?
Ever since this catharsis, it's better but I still am not able to comprehend what happened, Any explanation would be good? Where am I wrong?
At this moment I'm healing Nightmares have reduced, I've lessened the drinking and got an internship although unpaid. My money issue is also solved because of some of my really good friends.