Just want to get this off my chest, I guess
I'm writing here, because my journal is packed for university, and I cannot dig it out of my boxes.
What I'm about to make is not really a confession - its something I want to get off my chest without having to tell my friends, without someone I know having leverage over me by knowing this small secret.
Before leaving to University, I really wanted to make sure that all my loose ends are tied. You see, I like to stay friends with my ex boyfriends and ex-potentials ; boyfriends who could have been, but after some dating we went our separate ways. One of them, lets call him M, was definitely one of my favourites.
The summer after I started talking to M was a difficult one - I had just come out of a painful summer fling with my first love (who is still my friend, and who I would now consider a brother). M seemed lovely, being a year older he was more mature and we could talk about anything and everything. We would go to school together in his car, we would listen to each other, tell each other our views on the world and everything going on around us. The dates we went on were never fantastic, but they were good fun in the end. He was intelligent, handsome and all around someone who I knew I wanted to be a part of my life. We clicked, and that was so important to me at the time.
At this point, I had been struggling with eating disorders for a couple of years. the pain I used to go through was immense, and the self-conscious nights spent crying even worse. M made a lot of things better, and when I was with him, I didn't have to think about the outside world.
There was one problem with M, and it was a big one - he was prone to abusing drugs and other substances, which I will not name. At age 17, I didn't have enough experience or influence to convince him to shy away from that. There was a problem with the school we were in - his friends caught on quite fast and started calling him out, making me ashamed and embarrassed to walk through school with him because I was worried that they would subsequently take the m*** out of him and it would be my fault, at least partially.
Me and M didn't end up together - I made some sort of excuse about not being in the right place in life, not being good girlfriend material, him going to university a year earlier than me. Whatever. The real reason was, that I allowed other people to influence my choices at a vulnerable stage in my life, and that my inability to cope with mine and his issues pushed me away from him.
The summer after we didn't work out, I found out M was missing from school on the day of an important exam - I freaked out, and even though we were not in touch anymore I reached out. I later found out he had attempted to commit suicide. I couldn't live with myself, thinking that maybe, if I had been there for him, if we had gone out, nothing would have happened. I didn't have a way to contact him afterwards to check up on him; I thought he had blocked me out of spite and possible devastation.
Then came this week - it is a week until I move out to university, and as I said, I was looking to patch things up with everyone. The fact that I hadn't contacted M was worrying me, but I was too awkward to ask any of his friends that were a year older because I wouldn't even know how to reach out after a year. I surely thought that since he blocked me, he didn't want anything to do with me anymore.
One of my friends was throwing a party. And M was invited.
I can't tell you what I felt when I found out - was I relieved? was I stressed out? was I deeply concerned? It was an absolute chaotic mess of emotions.
I ended up going. Drinking with M. He wanted to buy some more alcohol for himself, so his (now also my) friends told us to go to the store together. OK. We went on this long walk.
-How have you been? I've been good, its a shame we didn't see each other for so long.
-Well, if you hadn't blocked me, then maybe we could have seen each other
-What do you mean? I never blocked you! I deleted all my accounts after my mental breakdown. Did you not know about that? I was sure that pretty much the whole school did!
- Oh. I didn't know. I genuinely thought you resented me, and blocked me to not stay in touch.
- Are you kidding? Why would I have blocked you? Just because things didn't work out doesn't mean we couldn't have stayed in touch. I'll give you my snap and my instagram. Add me and we can send each other stuff, to make up for the last year.
- Alright. You haven't changed much M, but you've lost some weight.
- You look good too, anon. You looked good before, and you still do.
He looked good. With his glasses, his beard and his tailored trousers. His unfunny jokes, and the self-depreciating humour. Speaking his mother tongue, listening to him form sentences was a pleasure. He was still someone that I had loved, but had simply met at the wrong time. Being with him felt comfortable, and he still smelt the same - like safety. Almost like home.
We decided to go for a beer together at some point in the coming week, before we both move to university. Its purely platonic at this point, as both he and I are occupied (I am for only one more week, as me and the boyfriend have a mutual agreement to break up before university).
As I sit here, I want to confess to you, fellow users. A part of me still loves him. A part of me wants to run to him and tell him that Im sorry, that we should try again, that we should make it about us and nobody else this time. That I want him back in my life, and that I never stopped thinking and worrying about him, not because of perceived guilt, but because of concern and care, wondering how he is managing in his new world. A part of me really, really wishes that I could go back to that time and change everything. Make him mine and work on everything as a couple, like we should have back then.
He was an ex-potential - life made us reject each other. I wish I could get back with him and make him see that to me, our relationship should not have been something that ended because other people wanted to comment on it and bring us down.
So there it is. I will probably never post on here again, and if you've read this far? I salute you.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to spill my heart to you, my friend who I will never meet. I hope your life is in order, and if I may give you some advice - stop caring what other people think. That only leaves you with 'what-ifs' and 'maybes', when you could have been out there, writing your story and facing all the odds in life that were stacked against you.
Have a good morning or night