I feel guilty now my mom is dead

My mom was ill with cancer for over five years. I tried to be as supportive as I coud but I became angry as well, I guess out of sheer helplessnes and angy that things had changed and everything was so sad now. We also had some longstadnign desagreements regarding my daughter and my mother's church.I feel I didn't offer my mother the emotional support she needed early on up to the time she reallygot bad. Sometimes I even avoided her.

She got really bad several months ago and I moved back in with her and drove her to the hospital for transfusions, and to the drs for treatment.I was exhausted and overwhelmed and frustrated. I was also scared for her to fall which would have set off internal bleeding because her platelets were so low. By the time she died I was a wreck.I know I didn't create for her an environment of serenity and peace.

I think by going into frenzied action I kept myself from thinking about the inevitable.

Now I just feel guilty that I wasn't around her as much as I could have been in the earlier part of her illness. She never complained and was a very quiet person. I know she was exhausted and felt bad alot of the time. I just wanted to fix it for her and when I couldn't I stayed away from her too much when she needed me.

I just feel guilty and I miss her so much.

Jul 8, 2010

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