Why do I keep denying the possibility of having depression smh

Life stops mattering a lot, I can find things that make it seem worth while but at the end of the day when those things are gone it's just back to being void of anything. I can't even talk to people about it because no matter the results I regret it and feel like some guy making everyone uncomfortable. My friends can tell me that'd they'd let me talk to them about it all they want but I know many of them would end up feeling like they can't help. I don't want them to live with any guilt, but at the same time I know bottling up all this deeper stuff isn't healthy either. I just hope my very first therapist can help atleast a little.

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