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I binge at night. When my family is asleep I come downstairs and I eat. I eat as much as I can. I stuff myself like a pig and it's why I'm fat. It's why my face is round and I have a double chin. It's why I can't fit into normal sized clothes or chairs with arms. Its why I can't run or go up a flight of steps without breaking into a sweat. I binge and it feels so good and it's destroying my body. Sometimes when I find a new stretch mark or outgrow another pair of pants I feel ashamed and I'll want to punish myself for being such a gross fat pig, so I'll eat even more until it hurts. I feel out of control and scared. I repulse myself and feel turned on all at the same time. I hate this about me but I don't want to stop. I want to see how far I will go. How out of control will I get? How fat? How unhealthy? I think I need help, but I want to know what will happen if I don't get it. I'm honestly terrified that I feel this way because I'm doing it. Every night I'm doing it to myself. I'm gorging on junk and watching it manifest itself all over my big heavy growing body. I'm actively ruining my body. Internally with massive doses of fat sugar and salt. I can feel my health slipping away, but what excites me is the visual manifestation of that. I can see the damage I'm doing. The shameful excessive gluttony is visible and obvious and getting worse every day. I barely recognize myself in the mirror. Who is this fat disgusting blob? I've changed so much. Grown so much. My features distorted by fat. My limbs thick and heavy to lift, my hips wide, my waist gone - overwhelmed with flab that forms tire-like rolls that hug me and hang down to my cellulite covered thighs. I'm grotesque. Obese. That is what I did. That is me and more and more it is all I am as i slip deeper and deeper into this morbid endeavor. There is so much of me now and I am almost gone.
Your words are painfully true. I wanted to cry reading that, but also eat an entire cake and struggle to touch myself. Why am I like this? Why don't I want to stop? Why have I given up everything to ruin myself like this and why do I love it? I am on my way to exactly what you described and I know it and I hate admitting it but I want it. All of it. And it's getting close.
I have responded to you previously. I would take everything that JJ has said as gospel about getting fatter. There are some very fat women who have some health issues but not too serious & are also gaining more weight.
Thank you. What he said was very scary, but it resonated with me because a lot of it is very true. I am heading down the road he laid out. I am enormous now and only getting bigger. I beat myself up internally and on here I guess, but I'm not fighting it. I'm not stopping. I'm not dieting. I'm too out of shape to exercise, but wouldn't if I could. I'm not even holding back or trying to maintain. No, I'm actively stuffing myself daily, pushing my limits and forcing myself fatter. This is it for me. It is all I have.
Out of curiosity, how old are you, OP? I’m finding myself heading on the same path as you, but I’m not as big yet. I’m “only” 326 lbs right now.
I am 32. How old are you? Be careful heading down this path. It can feel lonely and is so extremely ** your body. I would suggest getting off while you still can - if you still can. Once you give in it is almost impossible to stop. Have you given in? You say you're only 326 which is small compared to the flab mountain I've become, but you are already very fat. Have you always been or is this recent? In my experience the changes from 350 or so to whatever ridiculous number I am now are drastic. Once your body becomes overloaded with lard like this, the struggles just seem to multiply with any added weight. Be careful, but if this is also your path, good luck! It's really not all bad and if you find yourself unable to resist that is OK. I beat myself up a lot, but nobody is perfect and you are not alone.