Eating

I binge at night. When my family is asleep I come downstairs and I eat. I eat as much as I can. I stuff myself like a pig and it's why I'm fat. It's why my face is round and I have a double chin. It's why I can't fit into normal sized clothes or chairs with arms. Its why I can't run or go up a flight of steps without breaking into a sweat. I binge and it feels so good and it's destroying my body. Sometimes when I find a new stretch mark or outgrow another pair of pants I feel ashamed and I'll want to punish myself for being such a gross fat pig, so I'll eat even more until it hurts. I feel out of control and scared. I repulse myself and feel turned on all at the same time. I hate this about me but I don't want to stop. I want to see how far I will go. How out of control will I get? How fat? How unhealthy? I think I need help, but I want to know what will happen if I don't get it. I'm honestly terrified that I feel this way because I'm doing it. Every night I'm doing it to myself. I'm gorging on junk and watching it manifest itself all over my big heavy growing body. I'm actively ruining my body. Internally with massive doses of fat sugar and salt. I can feel my health slipping away, but what excites me is the visual manifestation of that. I can see the damage I'm doing. The shameful excessive gluttony is visible and obvious and getting worse every day. I barely recognize myself in the mirror. Who is this fat disgusting blob? I've changed so much. Grown so much. My features distorted by fat. My limbs thick and heavy to lift, my hips wide, my waist gone - overwhelmed with flab that forms tire-like rolls that hug me and hang down to my cellulite covered thighs. I'm grotesque. Obese. That is what I did. That is me and more and more it is all I am as i slip deeper and deeper into this morbid endeavor. There is so much of me now and I am almost gone.

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  • Honey, stop being miserable over this. Find yourself an FA (fat admirer) he will love you for who truly are, a woman that loves to eat & being fat.
    There is people that will tell you other wise & that I am for example gross, a fat pig, morbidly obese. Well, I may be a fat pig, I do stuff myself, morbidly obese, yes I am weighing 657lbs. Gross, not at all, I take pride in my looks even though I am hugely fat.
    My husband loves me, can't keep his hands off my fat body, playing with my rolls, rubbing my belly. When i met him I felt like you, he taught me to love who I am. I relaxed, let me enjoy my love of stuffing myself. I got fatter, bigger, heavier, I loved the freedom, happier. So much so, I just went with it. I love being able to just stuff myself, it feels so good & just got fatter & fatter. It turns me on. Even though I'm 657lbs of hugely fat woman, he makes me feel so sexy, so much so, I fully prepared to keep stuffing myself.

  • You poor thing, you need to stop beating yourself up over this. I was also worried about my weight, not that I was fat & yo-yo dieted if I did gain some. My problem is I love to eat. I met my husband got married & again gained weight with my first pregnancy & again freaked out, even though hubby said he didn't mind the extra weight. I lost weight, then blew up even bigger with my second pregnancy. Again freaking out, again hubby saying it was ok. But I dieted again. I hated dieting, struggled to stick to any diet.
    About 9 yrs ago hubby sat me down, told me to stop freaking out about my weight, that he loves me no matter how big I got & actually would like me bigger. I did finally wake up, what was I doing, I wasn't happy, content in myself. So a gave it all up. I put on weight, l ate what I wanted, I was so much happier. I grew to like the added weight, the curves. I got bigger & found I loved myself bigger. So much so, I am over 400lbs. I'm big, proud, dress nicely & don't care if I get even bigger.
    Don't suffer, go with it as others have said, you'll find a man that will love you big & treat you like a queen.

  • I agree. You sound sexy. I think you need to let yourself accept the large you and enjoy your life more.

  • Grow fatter pig. You know you need it. I’ve gained 200lbs in the last 10 years and I’ve ruined my once fit body with fat rolls.

  • You are not gross, you sound sexy. You say you like the visual manifestation of your stuffing yourself, I bet it turns you on how fat you are getting?
    You need someone who loves you fat and wants you fatter to feed & love you, praise your getting fatter and fatter.

  • It does turn me on. What's wrong with me? I am gross, a gross fat pig. I don't want to be praised for what I've done, what I'm still doing to my body. I want what I deserve. I want to be ridiculed. I want to be treated like the fat disgusting whale I've eaten myself into. Did you know I can't even put my shoes on without getting short of breath? That I sweat from standing in the shower? That my legs and back hurt from carrying all this weight? And that even with all that I can't stop eating? I can't stop. I spend all my money on food. Bad food. I force it into me and watch it pile up on my bulging flabby form. I have never felt more helpless because I feel like I've stopped even trying to fight it. I regret it and i beat myself up for it afterwards but I'm right back at it the next night and the next and the next and I'm getting fatter and fatter and oh my God, I'm SO FAT now! I'm going to be enormous. I'm scared, I'm obese, I'm hungry, and I'm going to EAT.

  • As I said, it turns you on & you said "yes it does"! Some where you have feedee tendencies, you are turned on by the weight gain, deep down you are liking the look & feel of the added fat. It's probably the fact the society & your parents have drummed into you that fat women look bad. I can tell you, there are infact a lot of men like big women, even very big women over 500lbs. You need to get over the fact that you may be wired to wanting to get very fat or you are only going to prolong your misery.
    I hope that helps.

  • I know you are right, but it's just so hard to accept.
    How do I just accept that I'm on my way to being freakishly fat? If I keep this up and I know I will, I will be over 500 pounds. I will be too fat to drive, maybe even walk. I'm on my way to being on my 600lb life and yes, it turns me on! I am totally getting off on ruining my body. I love what I've done to myself. I truly love that I turned myself into a massive morbidly obese porker and I never want to stop. I want to bury myself under so many layers of thick heavy fat that I become completely immobile, a wheezing pile of lard struggling just to breath under my own immense weight, Ok? I admit it. That is what I want. It just scares the h*** out of me that I'm making it happen.

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