I think I’m good

I’m realizing that even though it’s been a real s*** show of a year, a true dumpster fire from h***, I think I had a good year compared to the last few years of my life. I was so preoccupied with everyone else and what they thought of me, I got in over my own head and I lost my cool. I lost friends and I didn’t have many in the last few years. I lost the thing I poured my heart and soul to, and I was slowly getting worse at keeping up my positive charade and go to attitude. At one point I thought I was having a heart attack when really it was an anxiety attack due to stress and my seasonal allergies reacting to the stress I was under at the time, making my symptoms *feel* like they were those of a heart attack. I felt like I couldn’t create art anymore and my own identity in school and in life was starting to feel like it was attacking me instead of being my pride and joy. I used to be good at academics and keeping up with the schedule, I even checked my email regularly. I was a smart ass in disguise, and the makeshift therapist within my friend group.

Slowly I started cracking.

I reached my lowest point when I felt I was at my high. I was out of it, delusional if you would. At the time I thought I was the victim, and that was partially true. But in my own pain and suffering, I made those who cared for me suffer in turn, even if those people were the ones who hurt me in the first place. There was only one person who I didn’t treat as I treated others in that time, my (now ex) s/o, but in the end, we weren’t ever going to work out.

I was saved though. I had a chance to walk away from everything and go somewhere new. I got to travel and be on my own. Meet new people. Learn about myself. Be *independent*

It was the push I needed to get out of my emotional pit of h***. I came back a new.

Now you could say I ran away, but that’s not what happened. An opportunity presented itself and I took it. It was the best decision of my life. Because of it I learned how I was sheltered at my home (and how that was holding me back), how and why I was so worried about everyone judging me, and that I can be myself without fear of what others think. I learned so much in that time that I was gone.

Before I had dreams, but deep down inside I felt that I couldn’t reach those dreams, no matter what. But now, after my experience away, I still dream, but now I strive to reach them. I feel like I can, and I make a promise to myself each time I dream that I will try my best to accomplish all the dreams I have from now on, no matter how outlandish they seem.

Yes, this year was horrible for so many reasons, we don’t need a reminder of the s*** show that 2020 was though. I want to acknowledge the good things that happened, since that’s what this post is about (despite the depressing start of the derailment of my own psyche in HS)

I came back from my time away from home feeling like a new person. I was more mature, but I also remembered how to have fun. I cared less about what others had to say. I lived my life and I gained the confidence to be myself, truly, in front of the people I encountered every day. I got back on track with my academics, even surpassing my classmates that, at one point we saw each other as competition, except now I couldn’t care less if I was better or worse at the others in my class. All I cared about was creating new relationships with those who I feared. Those I thought hated me.

When the pandemic hit and we had our initial quarantine, I expanded my creative practices.

I graduated high school. And I did the best thing I could do for myself as a member of the class of 2020. I decided to take a gap year to work on my self and not stress with online college. (There were people who judged my decision who are now suffering the consequences of not considering their options like I did.)

I reconnected with old friends. Friends that I lost due to my own mental health when I was at my lowest. We’ve grown so much since then. I’m so proud of us all. I feel so comfortable and confident around them, and I’m thriving thanks to them all. In these last few months I remembered why I fell in love with all of them in the first place.

I started learning to drive recently (behind my parents’ back), and while I’m still nervous about it all, it felt so freeing. It opened up my world to new possibilities, and it makes me want to learn to be more independent.

Today I learned how to make proper pancakes. While to some that may seem like a small accomplishment, for me it was a big one. Considering I was raised in a home where I was being treated like a baby my whole life, like I couldn’t do anything right on my own, making pancakes was a huge step towards a bigger goal I have in the back burner of my mind:

Moving out

The thought of moving out makes me nervous. But just like driving, I know I can do it. I am confident that I can do it

I’m happy. For once in years I feel truly happy with my own presence. With who I am.

I felt happiness in those years, but only when I was around others who were happy at the time, and even then, in those times, no one was happy at all. And I didn’t like being on my own, even though all I wanted back then was to be left alone forever.

Now is not like then though. I feel genuine happiness with who I am. And I’m not scared to admit when I’m not happy. I now know I have a family I can go to when I need support and help. And I’m so grateful for them.

Nov 23

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