Box of things I need someone to see.
I really need to get all of this off my chest. I think something is wrong with me, I think I'm going crazy. Like, for real. I just, I've been seeing things and hearing things since I was little. I just don't think I'm right in the head.
I've been hearing sounds and things that aren't real. Like I'll hear a faint conversation from time to time, But no one is there. I'll hear someone talk, But I'll be alone in my room. I'll hear people laugh, cry, joke, talk, etc but no one is there. I hear these all crystal clear, There is no doubt about it.
I also have been trying my best to stay in the present, I struggle with PTSD. I'm not diagnosed or anything. I've had many toxic exs, But one of them, even after years of not not talking to him, Won't leave my memory. A certain band, a song, a game or a specific joke can bring me back into memories. Despite knowing its all in the past, I can't seem to get it over it. I can't seem to escape my memories. I feel like I drown in them sometimes. It was an online relationship, he was 2 years younger than me. Lets call him J. After all I did for him, He still would manipulate, use and mentally abuse me. I left him with the help of someone else. That someone else and I dated for 6 months, let's call him G. G was my boyfriend and I loved him. I was manipulated into leaving him by another toxic person in my life at the time. Let's call that person E. E told me many things and forced me into someone I wasn't. She forced me into things I wasn't ok with. G had given many happy memories, But again, It's the same as it was with J. A song, a game or an image can send me spiraling back down into memories and tears. After 6+ months of not being with G I still miss him. I have a crush on like 4 other guys, But I can't seem to shake the memories and longing for G. I just feel empty now. My mom says I should be over all this and my friends just make me listen to their problems. I just miss G, Parts of me want to go back to J. Is this bad? Do I really wnat to go back to a toxic ex and say f*** all to my happiness?
I feel like I'm being used by 99% of my friends. I aways listen to them, Their woes and sorrows but they change the subject when I try to vent. They always morph it back to them. I just feel so utterly useless in the friend group. I think I should cut them out and start anew, But I don't know how to do that. I feel so alone in the vast sea of people that is earth. I feel disconnected from everyone around me. Is it selfish that *I* want to vent, To have someone listen to me and give me advice? Is it bad that *I* don't want to be the only "mom" of the friend group? Does it make me a bad person for wanting a shoulder to cry on and not being the one cried on? I just feel so alone and unimportant to that 99% of my friends.