Feeling a little down
My firstborn baby was, is, and will always be my hero. Before I experienced a birth defect I thought Down's Syndrome was the worst thing that could happen. It turns out Down's or trisomy 21 is a survivable condition. trisomy 18 is Edward's syndrome and 90% don't make it to full term. Of those 10% may, and 90% do not survive their first year. Many miscarriages are... WTF (who the f***) knows. When the sonogram that they (sonogram technicians) showed us was done, there are markers, a small bottom jaw, clenched fists, limited overall growth, the technicians didn't tell us anything. The new person who came into the room encouraged us to terminate the pregnancy. Issues with genetics, our provider will explain, the lack of transparency really hurt us. We cried in the parking lot and didn't know what was going on. After months of amniocentesis tests, confused parents (us), the delivering DR tried to show us that since she was small and weak we should just let her die. I just asked them to please provide a minimum of care. They treated me, and my wife like we were careless and oblivious. I asked for them to clear her airway and just spend some time with us. Later as she was wasting away I asked for some type of formula grams input vs. pee pee and poo poo. It turns out that is exactly how they measure life, gains, and losses. When our hospital was tired and bored of our "silly little person experiment" I took my daughter home and learned how to measure and insert her feeding tube. This lasted for about 1-5,000,000,000 weeks, it is hard to judge time while you are focused on life, not time. After learning how much she needed for a meal, and the stress she was experiencing, I did my best to sustain her and not stress her. One of the feeding tubes contained a stainless steel wire for rigidity. As I inserted the feeding tube I could see she was experiencing pain and discomfort. When I removed the tube there were spots, signs, and evidence of blood.
TONS AND TONS OF FUCKIONG BLOOD AND I AM THE SHITTIES THUMAMN FIOR HIURTJNg my bayb. why did i kilkl her I deserve the worst punishment possible and I should die I am not owrthyu of living.
My intent was to help with direction and force. The thin, and flimsy feeding tube would get stuck and I would have to attempt the procedure more than once. After placing the tube, you need to reverse flow and make damn sure you are in the stomach and not the lungs (inserting dirty milk/formula in the lungs is a likely way to induce pneumonia.
Shortly after, it could be a week or a day, I noticed that my baby’s feeding had plateaued. She was not gaining weight and she was getting tired. After trying to coax her into eating or nursing or grasping, my wife and I both cried. We knew her time was done, possibly too long. We urged her to try hard, work hard, eat some, drink some, stop losing weight. We decided to let her go. In a short time, she gave up trying. Humans are given a strong involuntary will to live. After stopping breathing and moving, several times she came back, like waking from a falling dream. Every time she died it made me heartbroken. Once the last time happened, we waited about an hour. Japanese custom is to wash the dead. I gave her a soft sponge bath and we brought her to the funeral home. The staff was very kind and understanding. What is the law on transporting a dead baby? We brought her bassinet( that she never slept in ) and they put her in the freezer.
I planned her funeral like a novice planning a family reunion. I made a video that lasted about 40 minutes. After the first minute, I could tell people were uncomfortable and stopped it.
I later descended into a haze of drug use, and after my wife stopped putting up with my indiscretion and indifference I found eager women to accept my time and money (drugs). As far as I knew, I was dead. The only thing that made me feel alive was crystal methamphetamine. I did about an eight ball a day for 18 months. I did steal all of my, my wives, and her family's money, but I never stole from a stranger. I also never got arrested. Thank Odin, thank God, thank Jesus, or any other hippie wearing sandals. Once my job was gone, the trash piled to the sky, and my mortgage company started the foreclosure process I started reaching out to my family for advice and guidance. My grandam could sense there were problems other than my lack of electricity and she didn’t allow me to bring my wife and daughter for shelter. My mom showed up and rented a truck to remove the filth. After we received a payment for relocation we moved in with my mom.
There was an unsaid but totally agreed upon condition that if I ever did any drugs in my mom's house I would be kicked out and my wife would be encouraged to give up on me. It would have been nice to know the conditions or even the outcome of doing drugs. I doubt it would have changed anything but the time taken to be kicked out.
I was kicked out and I called the veteran's crisis hotline and was given a meeting with a case manager and also a place to stay at Sober Living. The chaos of the halfway house made me determined and I found a job as a furniture salesman.
Later I got a job as an industrial electrician. Since then I have felt like I have no choice but to work hard and accept my place as a worker.
I now have a good job and try every day to do good. About a year and 2 months ago my coworker and I went to a Tool concert, the last one before the pandemic. We smoked cannabis and I smoked $100-$300 a week of cannabis, CBD, CBG, Delta-8 and now have about $3,000 in debt. I did my best to hide this from my wife but she found out. At this point, I had smoked enough to kill myself in toxins, tar, bullshit, and lies.
I am now about 1.5 weeks into being straight. The first day I almost caused a scene serious enough to be arrested or committed. I now know that any type of mind-altering substance is giving me an out, an escape, a release of the pain I feel inside. I also have not allowed it to make me lose my job, though my performance and production have dropped significantly.
I now have one, maybe two semesters left for my BA degree. This last semester has proven to be very difficult. I had a 4.0 average for 2.5 years. Now I will be lucky to get a B.