Embarrassed to date now
I spent four years in a very abusive relationship. I was young, right out of high school. He was older, in his 30's. It started with him being very controlling and evolved into abuse.
He was very mean sexually and enjoyed sexual acts that hurt me. F****** my ass, choking me to the point of passing out, tying me down and whipping me. He became more aggressive and it got to the point I would refuse to have s**. That didn't matter to him, he would just force me. He raped me dozens of times. The last year he started "punishing" me for the smallest things. At least that's what he called it. If I messed up dinner or didn't clean the apartment to his satisfaction. His version of punishment was to fist my p**** and ass. He would shove his entire arm inside me up to his elbow. The more I screamed and cried the harder he would do it.
After I finally got the courage to leave it took me six months to accept an invitation for a date. I went out with a guy a few times and it got to the point we had s**. It didn't go well. The guy actually commented on how loose my p**** was. I was devastated! I never saw him again. I am now self conscious that a year of fist punishment has ruined me.
I have not been out on another date in months. I am young and pretty but how can I get over this?