Learning to Submit
I am involved in a Christian church. I'm struggling to find myself. I married a man I met through our church. Submission. Submission. This word has come to dominate my faith. Various times as a teen I had done bible studies where we had paid lip service to the idea of submission. My fiancé and I even discussed it and I agreed that a wife's duty was to submit. When did it go from a sort of academic acquiescence to something else I don't know. Somewhere early after the wedding he started to turn on the pressure. I actually wanted to be submissive if that makes any sense. Inside me I wanted to do it. I wanted to please him. We would even practice submission in various ways. ** was probably the first way where in bed he would just say he wanted ** and I had to just lie on my back and open my legs and he would push in. Not rough or nasty but mechanical. When it was over he would congratulate me. But he also wanted me to be sexual for him. He had me do strip tease shows in our bedroom. If it had all stayed in the bedroom it would probably have been OK but he started to pressure me outside. It started with him selecting my clothes and I would have to wear them without complaint. Likewise with food at restaurants, he would choose what I was to eat and I had to smile and accept it. Gradually he started to select shorter skirts. He would emphasise that I had to look feminine. High heels, tights, miniskirts. I would be conflicted between trying to be a good wife and being modest. My friends would make comments about my skirt lengths and in the next breath commend me for being such a good wife and mom. I felt alone. There was no one for me to get perspective from. If I raised my concerns within the church I would be accused of having a rebellious heart and if I spoke to friends outside the church they would say how religion was stupid or imply there was something wrong with me. There was no punching or physical abuse and so I have never been to the police. What I would I say. Am I even wrong anyway. Maybe he is right. Maybe a wife's duty is to dress for her husband. agh. Now I am convincing myself it's all ok. I'd better go as he will be home from work soon.