I have never been able to act on what I want

Not today, not yesterday, it's everyday. I have urges. They are much stronger now than when I was younger. I do have memories of my early childhood like the time my friend and I were listening to music on my new LP recordplayer I had gotten for my birthday and he put both hands on my crotch and grabbed me and then put his face in my crotch and rubbed his face against me. I got hard and he grabbed me and kissed up and down my shaft through the fabric of my pants. I remember how much I liked and it and how I wanted him to do it some more. It hurt my feelings that he never did it again.

Then there was the time I was in college and I had a friend I had met in Biology class and he insisted on peeing in front of me and asking me to sit on the edge of tub and watch the pee come out of his p****. He milked the last two or three drops of pee into my mouth. I wanted to suck his p**** so bad but he put his p**** back in his pants. I sat next to him on the couch to watch television and the most we did was kid around and he slapped my butt and touched my p**** in my pants. But it didn't go past that. I remember wanting to kiss him so bad.

I worked for seismic company in their internal audit department and I was sent on an inventory count to this camp in the middle of nowhere and I had to share a room in a trailer with this man. He was an older man, a rig worker, and he told me I had to sleep on the bottom bunk. He stood at the little washbasin in the room to brush his teeth, he only had on a wifebeater tshirt and his d*** hung out from under it. From the bed I could see his d***, playing hide and see with me. I wanted to just grab it and put it in my mouth. I didn't care what he looked like. He saw me and called me a f***** and told me I wasn't going to last long in the oilfield.

These feelings have been with me for a very long time. I get these feelings like when I am standing beside a man at a public restroom and he is peeing and I can see his d*** I want to suck him. I don't, I keep my cool, I look but not stare, I just wish I could sit and hold his d*** but I have never worked up the nerve to ask.

Last week I was out to lunch on a job. I should say that I now work for the State auditing sales tax compliance and I was hanging around a park after lunch. Just sitting there and a man sat across from me on the bench and looked at me, and I felt this feeling again. I looked back at him and he grabbed his pants and blew me a kiss. He stood up and walked and turned and shook his head so I got up and followed him. He went into the public restroom and waited for me to come in and he went into a stall leaving the door open. I wanted to go in so bad but I got cold feet and left.

I'm 55 and I have never been able to get the nerve to do what I want. No one knows about my feelings. I'm single and considered a life long bachelor, I live alone in a nice enough apartment complex. My job requires me to travel all week every week. I am home on the weekends. I don't have friends, just acquaintances.

Apr 25

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