I think I'm falling for my 'cousin'.
(Long rant! Skip to the end for a TL:DR)
I say he's my cousin, but in reality we just share the same last name, and in our culture we can't date people that share the last name as us because everyone is considered 'Family' and those who do are 'tabooing'. I am Hmong.
A few years ago in high-school I've met him, let's call him Sunny, and I never knew we were related and we hit it off wonderfully. We would throw witty remarks at each other, and share the same interests as each other. Sunny was, if something like this ever existed, my Twin Flame. He was adorable, smart, and such a dummy. I felt my emotions flutter, but it all fell down after the first few days after I found out that we were 'related'.
I've been to Sunny's house before we've ever met, much younger, and it was a reunion of people who shared the last name. My family knows his family, they were in a refugee camp together back in Thailand, and helped each other out.
His family is one of the higher ups, and he was a golden child.
I was devastated, but continued as friend because he was somebody I didn't want to lose. He was adorable, like a puppy. Everything about him just made me so happy, and back then I wished in another life we wouldn't have had the same last names.
Sunny is idiotic, a smart-ass, but his smile shined so brightly. Then it came that day, I was in a call with him and one of my best friends from then, and I left for a bit.
I came back, but they were conversing and such so I stayed quiet and let them finished because I'm a respectful bean. But that's when he confessed he liked me, regardless if we shared the same last names or not. He was willing to risk it for me. My heart pounded, and I felt like crying. It was the first time I've ever felt like that in my life, I couldn't believe it. And so I came back, and he confessed to me officially through call.
I didn't know how to feel then, but I remembered feeling like the light had returned to my world, colors returned and everything was so bright and beautiful.
I held his hand one day when he was feeling down during our dance recital. I told him I didn't care what happened, I just wanted to be with him. Just to see him smile again.
But who was I reassuring? Him? Or myself?
If I could, I wish I would've just... Stayed with him. Regardless. I was scared. Of our family, and of his. His future was so bright, so beautiful. I was only going to drag him down, especially with this? I don't want to get him disowned, to get him kicked out. I was immature back then, I didn't know how to properly communicate my feelings.
He would've became someone who always brought light into people's lives. Yet, he stood alone without burdening anyone. I love him so much.
I was a coward. I was an idiot. I couldn't ruin him like that. I couldn't. And so I ran.
I couldn't see him get ruined because of me.
I couldn't let this happen to him. He deserved to be with someone who could make him happy, who his family would accept.
Just why. Why were you here, why were you here for me to fall in love with you? Why were you here when I can't reach out for you. My feelings are a mess I don't know.
And so to stay close to him, I dated his best friend, let's call him Flow Who was the ex of my best friend, however I asked her for permission and she gave us her blessing, and we still stuck close after many years.
I tried to forget my feelings for him, even when me and Flow were in call confessing his feelings for me, I didn't feel my heart move at all, but I thought it was just normal. I've never been in love, maybe I was just infatuated with Sunny. It'll go away.
It did, for only 2 years. Flow was an obsession i had, i gave gim everything I could, from the world to everything . Eventually, my feelings for Sunny got buried too. I was indulged in a world I wish I never walked into, I wish I would've focused in school. I wish I wouldn't have loved so blindly, I wish I never denied for feelings for Sunny.
If it wasn't for my dad, I would've given up on my education. I love you dad, thank you so much.
I was a dumb kid, there was nobody there to guide me, and even now I wished there was somebody there to tell me it was okay, that I never needed any of this to be happy. I wished that I knew then.
Covid hit, and my grandma was sick with Tuberculosis, my mother was nearly sick with covid, my siblings were now dependent on me. I couldn't handle the relationship with Flow anymore, my mental couldn't handle it. After the 4th family funeral I've been to the year, right after my first cousin's suicide, I told Flow I wasn't emotionally stable for a relationship, and that I wanted a break so I can gather myself.
I told him thank you, thank you for not regretting to date me, I thought I was someone unlovable, and thank you for being there .
He told me "I don't know what's going through ya head, but I hope it works out for ya." And then he blocked me.
2 years of invested my time and energy into loving him gone in a blink of an eye.
I didn't cry. I had enough crying over him, so I picked myself up. I've repaired my relationship with my family, I started focusing on myself, my looks, I chopped my hair off, and went onto a new chapter.
I glowed, I glowed so much. I kept in touch with Sunny and the rest of my friends my relationship made me leave behind.
And eventually everyone was happy again.
I was in a better place I was throughout all my life. My feelings for Sunny had completely disappeared too, It went like that for another 2, almost 3 years now. He had a girlfriend who was so sweet. Let's call her Jelly. I loved her so much, and it felt like we were a family. She made me feel so happy and she was so warm, a light, perfect for Sunny. She was a bit older than him too, but acted young and cute.
Until I started noticing some of the darker sides of her. She would verbally insult him, calling him short and ugly, and how she would rather date a white man instead because wasian babies are cute. Of course, Sunny was too kind, and passed it off as jokes.
But then I would notice she would openly flirt with boy's right infront of Sunny, like baby talk, say I love you, say how she wants food and to send her money. I would hear him go quiet but I couldn't say anything. So I would just insult some of the guys she would flirt with if I could.
And just the other day, when we were all playing Stardew Valley like Champs, I learned that the dude we had been playing with was Jelly's ex. The one she always flirts with incall. I felt like throwing up, I felt disgusted at her behavior. And it was on that night too she called an autistic kid in our discord "a grade s dumbass" and insulting him. How he was slow for his age, and kids younger than him would've been better than him by now. I felt sick.
The kid was only 16, with nobody to have guided him too. Mind you, she is 23-25. She was bullying a literal child.
I was devastated at that too. She was so warm, I loved her so much like my own family. She betrayed my image of her and I don't know. I felt like I was willing to let it go because she was someone I wholeheartedly loved, but I couldn't help feeling disgusted by her.
And Sunny. I couldn't imagine it. He's quiet about it, he never talks about his feelings. He's grown now, no longer the puppy he was, but a puppy who grew 2 inches taller. But he was still the same Sunny I knew, just with more responsibilities now.
And that was when it all came rushing back in. I don't know why. I don't know why it did. My feelings for him came back full force, I couldn't stand seeing him mistreated like that. Sunny deserved so much better, so much more than anything in the world. I cut my hair all off once again because I like to be dramatic, a new chapter in my life.
My heart hurts writing this. It's 5 am, and my feelings for him had grown. He doesn't talk to me that much anymore, but I still... well. I still want the best for him, not even as a lover, just as a friend.
Sunny, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you, just be happy goddammit. Just be happy, that's all I want.
TL:DR: my cousin who's not really my cousin I fell in love with him. He's from a respectable family and our family knows each other. He confessed, and i was scared. He made my world beautiful. I loved him so much, more than anything, but I was a coward. I didn't want to ruin his bright future, he was going to be big. Going to be beautiful. Sunny was bright and colorful. He was someone I couldn't hold back, I didn't want him to get disowned. So I ran.
Dated his best friend Flow instead for 2 years, broke up because of stress and the pandemic. My feelings for Sunny were buried. But then 2-3 years later, his girlfriend Jelly degrades him and flirts with other guys right infront of him.
I wanted him to be happy, but the feelings came back up again. I wanted him to have everything in the world, not treated like this. Not even as a lover, just a friend. I wanted him to shine brightly again.
Sunny is my sunflower, someone I loved and admired, and someone I want to protect.. I want to protect him with everything I can. He was someone I want to take care of, someone I want to love.
I'm sorry, I won't get in the way again, I want him to be happy. Happy with where he is. But I know he loved Jelly so much. I'm just. Yeah no. I don't know anymore. My feelings are a mess, I'm gonna go sleep.