Loving you is enough
I fell inlove with a guy named fred. well, his real name is not fred tho. i love to call him fred... it's more, comfortable. this gonna be long. i don't really care tho. so,
i am inlove with him. i don't know whether i am crushing on him or more than just a crush. i miss him right now, and sad, too. just now i watched fireworks and wished that fred was here, watching with me.
fred has a girlfriend. i know this is wrong, i can't help it.
i knew him when i was in year 7... well, i just know his name at that time. he was pretty popular when he was in year 7 and year 8. i don't know if he is still popular now...
in year 7, i knew him from my friends, they always talk about him. then around march, during sports day. i was in a bus with him. that time, i saw him looking so quiet, vulnerable, innocent and kinda look miserable. he was spacing out, i guess, by his looks. but i didn't have an interest at him. so as soon as i landed on the floor of my school, my friends kept on saying i was so lucky and stuff. i was in a bus full of hot and popular guys. i didn't notice, i just notice fred. then i asked who was the quiet guy. they told me it was him. they asked me if i have an interest to him. i said no. and that time was the only day i saw him in year 7. in year 8, no, i never saw him or i just missed him. cuz, i was close with one of his gang, jake. he was popular, too. he, jack and another three were the popular ones. jake and his gang, always passed my class' hall. always, but i never saw fred or maybe i only notice jake... my friends said, fred was already with someone, and most of the girls sad and even threaten his girlfriend to break up with him. pft.
and in year 9, we were in the same class. at first, i didn't have any feelings at him, really.
i stared at outside, unfortunately, i stared at fred's direction. so maybe he thought that i stared at him. he stood up and looked at me, at the same time my eyes went to him. i was startled. i was scared that he might misunderstood. then, i blushed. my heart was beating like crazy. after that incident around january, i fell inlove with him.
he wasn't really my type. after a few days, i have that crush feelings. i ignored it since i crush on guys so many times. and i thought that i'll get over him soon. i started to glance at him since that day. i already knew he have a girlfriend. i don't wanna tell my classmate about my feelings. cuz, it is dangerous. his girlfriend might hate me. and i might be labeled as a b****. i texted him to smile often. i dislike him being so quiet. and after that he laughed a lot. i love seeing his smile. but when he became so friendly, he got closer with the rest but not me. ofcourse i get mad. then he changed his seat to the front. that spot was really great. i get to stare at him so easy. but at times, he caught me glancing at him. i also caught him glancing at me. i sometimes hate him for being friendly. he will make many girls swoon over him by his smile... i usually like holidays. especially 4th term holidays. but this year... is so different. i even had mood swings a week before the holiday. i forced my dad to send me to the school. just for seeing him. but he was dating with his girl. i don't care.
i miss him so much. i really miss him. i feel like i wanna cry on his arm right now. i wanna hug him tight. i really want to. i miss him biting his lip. i miss him fooling with his friends. i miss him wearing his jersey. i miss his legs. i miss his smile. i miss his laugh. i miss his husky voice. i miss his eyes. i miss his spec. i miss his shyness. i miss his loud voice. i miss his hair. i miss his back. i miss his ass. hahah, no joke :P his ass is sexy. i miss his fingers. i miss his hands. i miss his arms. tho i never touch him. i miss his jaw. most importantly i miss him. i miss fred so much. i don't care what people thinks about this. i will still love him. i know one day i'll forget him. at this time, nobody will dare to change my love for him.
about the wristband i gave him. it was a secret. the purple wristband. i am good at keeping it as a secret. i looked so innocent that people thought it was another person. well at first the guys were looking at me when i entered the class. then they looked away. i acted cool, but in the inside. i worried so much. i felt guilty too... his girlfriend might be mad bout this. or she already did.
i was like, a cctv or something. i always watched out for him in the class 24/7. thus i know some of his things. like he likes gold color. i so happy he swept the class' floor, my class is pretty big. and i smiled at the time when he removed the dust on his eraser, it's cute for me since i don't even do it. and he doodled the table cloth, it's bad, but i saw his doodling, he drew hearts, words, wrote funny phrases and more. and i was really happy that his poster was placed near mine[we had a project to design a poster]. and i sat on his chair without my notice, he even lied his head on it. and he asked for chocolate mars when i actually thought about it before. and oh, we're on the same club. how i wanted him to pass the paper individually. i smiled at the time when he wiped the water on the bench so that people could sit.
i am selfish, i know. but this is just a blank space where i write confession on it. and it's my right to spit out everything in here.
i miss you, more and more each day. i miss you so much. and every second counts. i miss staring at your back and hands. everytime i stare those, i felt like you were holding me and letting me hug you from the back. i know you're not into kissing and stuffs. but, it's me. i won't do anything to you though. till you do something to me. i had read your comment about the picture you were tagged in. a kissing picture. you and beth were tagged. you said "i won't do this till i get married". something like that... my hopes were down. kissing and hugging you are my fantasies :$ not kissing you always. just at times :P i wish i could hug you every day. and kiss me a goodbye at the end of our date. holding my hands infront of people. GOSH, why am i thinking of this way? it's really... really... ugh. fred would be disgusted in my words. i used to criticize about him alot. that's just my mouth. my heart? well now i'll spit it out all the truth okay? fred, you have a pair of adorable eyes. which makes me want to look at it more. remember at the first time we talked? it's the first time i talk eyes to eyes to guys that long. normally i would look away. especially to the ones i like... and it was like, your eyes were trying to hold me, paralize me. and when the talk is over, when you look away, me too and i was confused about that. and when we talk, i only look at you, ignoring the surrounding. when we were in the teacher's car, i heard you calling my name again and again. i purposely didn't hear it. i love it when you called my name. "meg, meg, meg!". surprisingly, you were 2-3 inches behind me, in the car. that day in the car. i imagined that we were cuddling and you were talking behind me. my mood went up instantly that day. and a few days before the 4th term holiday... you were smiling and laughing in the auditorium. my heart fluttered and that made me stutter at that time. and i perposely walking at your side which i might brush your body with mine a little bit. that was a contact right? atleast. and you were so awkward during the... what is it... amazing race. i was sitting at the front with you. we were so quiet. you even ignore the back. i was wishing we could stay much longer. than the stupid announcement told us to go back again ==' and finally, during base bio. i purposely stand at the front and waiting for you. you saw me right? and my thoughts were you were trying to sit infront of me. just a thought, okay? but i really saw you were looking at me and quickly stand at infront me and hesitating whether he should sit infront. and in the end you sat infront of me. the space between us were about 5inches away. i felt a magnetic repel forces at first, but slowly. we became closer, no, i moved forward. i love looking you body. i wanted to backhug you so much at that time. then we got separated because of the activity.
that time, when i asked you about homeworks, you told me you wanted to teach me the next day in class, you never did come to me. you were just glancing at me. and when i asked you to be closer friends, you said sure and yeap, you were just staring at me like you wanted to talk to me. oh about texting, i wondered why you always text me with cold replies... because i used to give you very cold replies back then. with a yes and no and because. damn, i was in a bad mood =='
you were at the crowds were i had a difficult time to find me friends, that time i wasn't wear my spec, but i notice you first. because of your back.
and oh, i think you noticed me beeing in a badmood right? after you with beth... RIGHT? i know you did. i saw you looking at me. sigh. maybe he wasn't... and about we won the sprint math. we were taking the picture. i noticed that you were right at my side, you quickly ran to my side, or you wanted there? i was in a bad mood so i moved at another side, far from you. then i felt like you looked at me for a while and then you weren't smile at the first picture. why did i do that? i was so stupid. i didn't wanna really do that. i wanted to take atleast a picture with him, next TO ME! I REGRETTED IT SO F****** BAD.
i miss his lips. he looked so cute when he bits his lip. don't ever criticize whatever he does or else :@ joking. hahah. he is, superly, amazingly handsome in my eyes. he is really cute when he laughs. he is really charming when he smiles. and he looks so cool when he walks. he looks so hot when he play the football, futsal. ah! when i was with zac and mike... fred was sitting infront of me. i was smiling and laughing at zac's joke. he was so funny that i forgot to close my mouth and that moment i forgot that alfred was there. but, the light was blinding my eyes, i swear, i felt that fred was staring at me. fred... they talked to me so smoothly. i was waiting for you to talk to me. there was one time, he bit his lip, and looked at the whiteboard.his hair shined and he put one of his finger on his lip. i actually fantasied about going to his table and kiss him. that image fitted perfectly for me that time. and there was this day where he sweats alot, i couldn't stop looking at him. plus he lied down on the floor! ofcourse... i fantasied about... err... sitting on top of him and hug him. :S no, i didn't dream of having s** with him, okay?! i really wanna ask him this so badly "WHY THE ARE YOU ALWAYS GLANCING AT ME AS IF YOU WANNA TALK TO ME?! can you just walk to me and talk? normal talks, i'll appreciate that." flirting is a bonus :) *big grins. i noticed that he flirts. i was too innocent back then. i didn't know how to flirt. at the first time he laughed, i wanted the time, the world to stop so that i could take pictures of him and stare at him forever. i won't ever get bored with that. unfortunately, my friend called me. god ==' his hair. i think he has the cleanest and smoothest hair among all the guys i've ever met .i'll change myself for him. i will. i'll try to be more feminine girl. i am doing this for the sake of my future husband too... sigh. i wish he was here... looking at me. staring deeply into my eyes and trying to make me laugh. i'll try to make him happy too. these are just... my stupid fairytale. my stupid fantasy. my stupid dream. sigh.
ONE DAY, i will confess to him. i will be probably say "beth, i love your boyfriend" or directly to him. 90% i would get rejected. 9% he might like me. and 1% of chance that he will be mine. OR 99% i would probably get rejected and 1% he will like me. right?
SIIIIIIIIIIIIGHHHHH. i wanna meet him so badly. i wanna hug him as soon as i meet him.
about his girlfriend, for me, they are just bestfriend, not lovers, why? they never hold hands. fred ignore her at most of the time. when she talks, fred just listen and gave her sardonic smiles, even her girlfriend said so. i never saw fred laughing with his girlfriend. when beth is there, fred will be quiet, looking bored. it's different when he is with us, friends, he's very happy and goofy. his girlfriend also the one who always go to our class to meet him.
i don't want them to break up... they look cute together. i just write what i saw.
i think he knew my feelings, so i thinks that's okay. loving him is just enough. i'll try to move on...