I'm sorry, A

Sometimes I wonder if I could have changed what happened that Halloween night.
I always said that if I'm going to die young, I wanted it to be a car accident on Halloween so I could be some stupid urban legend they make a cheesy horror movie about someday.
But I don't want that for her.
Maybe if we were nicer to eachother, if I had extended an olive branch, she wouldn't have been in that car that night.
Maybe she would have been with me.
Anywhere else but that car.
I think maybe, if I was her friend instead of those people in the crash, she wouldn't have been there. She wouldn't have been there when they lost control of the vehicle.
I remember how she made fun of my teeth. That night I brushed my teeth until my gums bled because I couldn't get what she said out of my head.
Its not like I was any better.
I hope that she never felt that way about what I said.
I wonder if she remembered me. Most of the people from my past don't, as far as I can tell.
They don't talk to me. Don't look at me. I know because I look at them and I remember. That one I learnt ballroom dancing with. That one said he could see ghosts. That one was my best friend. That one I had a crush on. And I wonder, could I be friends with them again?
I didn't have that chance with her.
When I heard about the accident, I thought to myself "There are thousands of kids in this school, the likelyhood that I know anyone who was in the crash is practically zero."
Then, two days later I got the email that she'd passed and I realized, "I know that name."
I had a panic attack that day. The worst one in years. I cried and cried for hours. I couldn't stop thinking about her, how she died in her hospital bed. Her life might've flashed before her eyes, snippets of memories played in slo-mo. I prayed with the little faith in a god above I had left that I wasn't a part of those memories.
More likely, she was asleep. Nothingness fading to more nothing. I don't know the details. I don't want to know the details.
And it's silly that I'm so hung up on the death of a girl I hadn't seen in four years. I know it is.
I know her family is hurting infinitely more than I ever could.
But to think that I might have been one of her final thoughts, the cherry on top of a ** life and dying a ** death, that terrifies me.
I haven't told anyone that I knew her.
For all anyone else knows, I'm just paranoid and shaken by the death of a girl my age.
This is the first time I have ever said this. It will probably be the last time.

(P.S. To "A".)
I've never been a believer but if there's a world past this one, and you're seeing this, then A, I am so sorry. For everything. You never deserved any of the things I said. I was young and angry and hurting and confused and I took it out on the people around me. I took it out on you.
I was jealous. Jealous of your perfect teeth and your hair with the bleached streaks in it, jealous of your fancy clothes and your expensive phone, jealous of your grades and your friends and the fact that you could be happy in a world like this one.
It was never your fault.
It was always me.
I had crooked yellow teeth and my frizzy red hair, unfocused eyes and ** grades with my cheap clothes I'd been wearing since elementary school, just some dumb ** in the head kid that couldn't leave well enough alone.
I'm never going to forget you, for better or for worse.
I'm so sorry for everything I ever did to you, for not being there, not being your friend.
Because maybe, maybe if we had been friends then you wouldn't have been in that car. 11:18 on Halloween night and the time would pass uneventfully.
Morning would dawn on November 1st and you would be safe and at home.
Two days would pass and you would be alive.
Directly or not, the choices I made put you in that car, butterfly effect and all that.
Maybe I'll see you in another life, A.
Maybe I'll make the right choice then.