Simple needs Part 1

I do have simple needs, and quite possibly a lot to offer the right person. I have daily recurring thoughts of being confined to a very strict lifestyle. I have met a lot with similar interests, however not a lot with the depth of conviction that I have. I have never lost these particular needs, they have only grown in depth and desire. I will outline my darkest needs and show how deep my rabbit hole goes for anyone listening. Despite my growing desires, I have come to a point where I doubt I will ever get what I truly desire, since it is so bizarre and out there, I have seen a few others out there who have exactly what I have wanted my whole life, but the people who might match to my desires are nearly impossible to find, and even more impossible to mesh well with. I have recently (in the last six months) killed all my online profiles, and halted my search on an indefinite basis, since I doubt I will ever find it.

Chapter one - Basic Desires

Being an adult has never been something I wanted to happen to me. I have never longed for the pleasures that people talk about, that they seek to fulfill. My happiness has always been more basic, to be loved unconditionally. I have only ever found brief glimpses of the kind of love I truly need. The bond that is shared between a mother and her baby. I never truly had it when I was really a child. I was second to last in a family with six children. My father had been estranged before I was born. My younger sister was the golden child, since her father had money, and power. I lived the first ten years of my life in the equivalent of a prison camp. As early as I remember I slept away the nights in a military bunk bed with barely anything to call my own. I was given toys as presents, and within weeks they would mysteriously end up in my little sisters room, and I was given no explanation except that "I had lost them". I am not sure when I caught on to what was happening, except to say that by the third grade I was getting Lego sets for my presents, and I had now learned to watch these precious possessions like a hawk. I was not only very adept at building, I was solving models at a capacity much higher than my age range. At some point during the third grade I had amassed quite a large collection of Lego sets, and I was uber protective over them. They were my sole possession that I cared about. One evening I was taken somewhere for dinner without my sister, she was left home with a babysitter. I remember feeling loved and special for the first time in a long time, and I cannot remember the reason for the dinner, but I remember the end result. While we were getting ready to leave, my sister wanted to play with my Lego collection, and I almost never let her do so without me being there, but I also remember her dad buttering me up to let her build something for me, like a Lego city or something. Well she did build a pretty impressive city while we were out. The problem was, that when we got home I realized ALL my Lego sets were now nestled in her room, and they had even made a place for her to put them away. After that night, every time I asked for my Lego sets back, I was met with tantrums from her, which ultimately led to inhumane punishments from my mother and Step father. I never trusted another present from them after that day. I never could trust anything they ever told me after that. I internalized it for years, and those Lego sets may have been my ultimate undoing. After that incident, a large part of me died, and I believe that only fueled the fire for my life long desire for Unconditional love.
After that day, I believe I was considered old enough from my understanding of the changes. I was never really given toys of any kind after that day. I was put on a strict regimen of insane workouts for a child of that age. I was taken on my Step fathers daily run from then on. Two miles a day every morning, and between 4 - six miles on Saturday. We got to rest on Sunday. These runs consisted of my step father jogging behind me and insisting I keep pace, by literally kicking me in the ** if I got to close to him. On several occasions in the first few months, I was throw into the ditch on the side of the road because I couldn't keep up. These workouts continually got worse, and the next year it was a bicycle that I had to get kicked off of, and going up steep canyons I regularly feared for my life. If the workout wasn't good enough for him I could also expect to get beat by a wooden board, or a kitchen implement when I got home as well. Up until when I was ten years old, I was treated like a complete mistake as I now understand it. I was a burden to my step father, and an embarrassment to my mother. I expect all of these atrocities were conducted because of how my mother and my father ended up estranged. I will get into that story at some point, but it is definitely a longer story. I did find out much later that when I was too young to remember, my older siblings were abused in much the same way. My eldest sibling was eventually given a room of her own by my grandparents, who I am sure felt like it was the only right thing to do.

So these events brought me to begin my desires. I know exactly what I want out of life, and it is too bizarre for mainstream society. I have wanted to be the baby I never got to be, and feel that loving embrace. I have never wanted more than to have mommy watch over me and protect me. This unfortunately manifested in every sense. My desires manifest in every way a baby could be cared for, and it is exactly what it sounds like. I love the idea of being restricted to baby food at all times, even though I also love the various amazing tastes of culinary delights. It is weird that the restriction to baby food is the real desire, as I definitely don't like the tastes. The idea of mommy having the best meals, while I am spoon fed gruel equivalent delights my inner most emotions to no end. The desire to be fussed over and dressed in extremely cutie clothing, and lauded to all the adult friends as cute is massively appealing to me. The idea of my mommy being proud of her cute baby girl is the emotional drive in this way. The centerpiece of her pride, and her life-sized dolly to boot. The loving embrace and safety of diapers has always brought me massive feels. I know how strange it is, I am not oblivious to it. I have never wanted anything to do with a grown up toilet, and when I was young I am sure it was only fueled by my constant failures at potty training. Among my punishments as a young child, I was pulled out of a dead sleep to wash out my underwear which I had soiled in my sleep. I would be fist deep in the toilet, washing ** off the fabric, and not really understanding what was happening. I have never wanted to wear underwear, and I am sure these punishments had a lot to do with that. I have clear recollections of these punishments as early as 3-4 years old. So yes, I love wearing and using diapers. Being restricted to diapers, and forbidden to use the big kid potty because I am just a baby. Over the last few years, I have also realized that I have a strong desire to nurse. I am not just talking about dry nursing either. I have had one or two partners in recent memory who attempted to express milk, because of my willingness to nurse, and the joys they have gotten from it. However short those relationships lasted, I never failed to give them a strong latch, and I never saw it as sexual, despite the contrary.

So to sum up, I was a mistake to my family. I know that to be the reality, and I am also equally aware that my desire to be a baby again is near impossible, but that has not kept me from commissioning massive baby furniture, that now sits rotting in a storage unit. It has not kept me from keeping a supply of diapers on hand despite the fact that I almost never wear them, because of the loneliness I feel not having my mommy. It has also not kept me from buying the occasional baby food/formula, even though it eventually goes bad, because I can't bring myself to eat it, because I don't have mommy to feed it to me.

I will add more chapters with different focus along this same subject. I intend to add how my desires have been shaped by my depressing existence as I have grown up. I also intend to add more details about the ** that was my childhood, that led into the train-wreck that was my young adulthood, and eventually how I eventually was forced to grow up and become a successful individual with a great career. I was forced to grow up, because unfortunately I can honestly say that I was never loved in the way I needed to be loved. Thank you for listening, and having a place for me to express myself.

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